Frustration is Your Friend

Frustration is something we all face from time to time. The question is, how do we respond? Do life’s trials make us bitter or better? Do they cause us to sink or soar?

It takes wisdom and maturity to swallow disappointment without complaint. Any two-year-old can throw a tantrum, but if we hope to do more than survive setbacks — if we want to actually grow through them and profit from them — then we must learn healthier ways of handling hardships.

So next time you’re feeling frustrated, view it as an exercise in character-building. Practice the following responses, and they will soon become second-nature:

F – Faith – Trust that God has a purpose and a plan. Look to Him for guidance.

R – Respect – Treat others well. Don’t use frustration as an excuse to be rude or impatient.

U – Understanding – Why did this happen? Have my actions caused or contributed to the problem?

S – Sympathy – Demonstrate compassion for others who’ve been through similar trials.

T – Teachability – What lessons can I learn from this? How do I avoid similar situations in the future?

R – Resourcefulness – Think outside the box. Be flexible. Is there a different approach I might try?

A - Acceptance – Frustrations are just a fact of life. Anticipate and make allowances for them.

T – Tenacity – Hold fast to your convictions. Remain resolved. Don’t give up in the face of frustration.

I – Integrity – Guard your good name. Live above reproach. Never return evil for evil.

O – Opportunity – Where God closes a door, He opens a window. Look for it.

N – Need – We need God’s grace, strength, wisdom, and mercy, and should pray for such continually.

Misguided parents will sometimes cater to a child’s every whim (thereby doing him a great disservice). There’s a name for kids who must always have their way: spoiled brats.

God loves us too much to make the same mistake. Scripture goes so far as to say that we should rejoice when we encounter hardships, big or small, for God uses such trials to mold in us the character of Christ (James 1:2-3).

Someday, when we stand before Him, complete, we may finally recognize frustration for what it truly is: a friend without whom we’d never be the same.

Have you developed a strategy for dealing with frustration? Please share by leaving a comment below, or join me on Facebook and we can discuss it there.

A Good Reminder

Pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray? I don’t think this means we should pray hardest when we’re in the most trouble. Most of us find it pretty easy to pray when we need God to get us out of a tight spot. For me, this quote means that I need to pray hardest when I’m . . .

. . . exhausted
. . . excited
. . . angry
. . . anxious
. . . annoyed
. . . busy
. . . behind
. . . distracted.

When is it hardest for you to pray? Let’s work harder at remembering at that moment to pray for God’s strength, comfort, wisdom, and grace.

Be Careful What You Pray For – Part 2

I love the scene in THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE where the Beavers are forced to flee from the White Witch. While the others hurriedly don coats and boots, Mrs. Beaver scuttles about the den packing provisions for the journey: sugar, tea, matches, two or three loaves of bread, a ham, and a dozen clean handkerchiefs. She’d have toted her sewing machine, as well, had Mr. Beaver not convinced her the extra weight would prove too burdensome. She grieves over leaving it behind as her frantic companions rush her out the door with only minutes to spare.

I’ve always felt for Mrs. Beaver. I can sympathize with her desire to be well-prepared, for I share the same mindset. I know that dire circumstances demand a drastically different approach to material possessions — the sewing machine that is a blessing at home would be a curse on the road, especially if it causes the company to be captured — but I’m still sad to see her leave it behind, never mind that she receives a nicer, newer sewing machine later in the book.

When I think of my sisters in Alabama whose homes were recently ransacked by tornados, or I remember my sisters in Japan who lost not only property and possessions but also loved ones in the tsunami, I am ashamed to be crying over the fact that our new kitchen won’t hold a table big enough for my whole family to sit together at mealtimes. Those women were not afforded the luxury of slowly sifting through their belongings and deciding what to keep and what to toss. They know experientially that “Life is more than food and the body more than clothes.” (Luke 12:23)

I have always prayed that God would teach me life’s lessons in the gentlest way possible. He has been faithful to honor that request once again, and  I am grateful He has allowed me this long goodbye. It can still be a little painful, but in a different way, like pulling a Band-Aid off hair by hair instead of ripping it loose in one swift stroke…. No, that analagy trivializes the torment others have endured. Say instead it’s like skinning a knee as opposed to severing a limb.

Whether I’m motivated by materialism, or sentimentality, or my “waste not, want not” upbringing, the fact remains that I’ve become far too attached to my stuff. What exasperates my husband, I think, is the fact that it’s not the nicest things we own that I’m the most attached to. It’s the beat-up buffet with only three good legs that has followed us from our first apartment, representative of the best we could afford for many years. It’s my grandma’s rusty glider, where I sat beside her shelling peas as a kid and rocked colicky babies to sleep as an adult. It’s the uneven panels of stained glass the children helped me solder together for our bathroom windows. It’s the doorjamb with eight years of pencil lines marking my children’s growth progress.

At any rate, I am now in the process of downsizing. My son Benjamin found the house we’re moving into, but God picked it. We can tell He went before us and smoothed the way, because His fingerprints are all over the place. Just the fact that our landlord agreed to rent to a family with twelve children is a small miracle in itself!

With every load we carry over, that place is looking more and more (and this one less and less) like home. It is a beautiful house with a great floor plan and will accommodate a surprising number of the things I was reluctant to leave behind, often in spaces that seem tailor made for them. Beds, curtains, piano, rugs — time and again, they’ve fit where we’ve needed them to go without an inch to spare. I may not be able to squeeze my ten-foot table into my new breakfast nook, but oddly enough, there’s a ten-foot cubby in the garage that seems to serve no other purpose but to temporarily house that table as a makeshift workbench.

So here again, God is leading us by baby steps. If there is a mud hut in our future — and there may be — He is not asking us to move there today. We’ve signed a fourteen-month lease on our new home, which will allow our older boys to finish up at UT Tyler while we sort out our next step. We honestly don’t know what that next step may be, but we know that God knows, and that He is good and merciful and sovereign. And shouldn’t that be enough?

Stick to the Path

“How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps.” (Proverbs 20:24, New Living Translation)

If we consider a hike through the woods as a metaphor for the Christian walk, it is easy to understand our need to stay on the narrow way. To leave that path is to risk danger, disorientation, and destruction. That makes sense. We get it.

What is surprising is that we can sometimes feel lost and alone, even when we’ve been careful to stick to the path and not wander off. Sometimes life’s circumstances deal heavy blows, and we cannot begin to imagine God’s purpose in allowing such things. We feel abandoned.

I remember taking my children on an outing to the park many years ago. We packed a picnic and ate in the cool shade of the woods surrounding the playground. After we had finished our lunch, I gave the kids permission to play among the trees, provided they stay where I could see them. They enjoyed a rousing game of tag with friends while moms visited nearby.

After a while, I noticed my third-born, who was only four or five at the time, standing next to a tree with his hands over his face. At first I assumed the children had moved on to hide-n-seek and that David was “it,” but as I watched, it became apparent my little one wasn’t counting — he was crying. Although my eyes had been on him the entire time, he’d lost sight of me and had become frightened. I ran to comfort and reassure him that just because he couldn’t see me didn’t mean I had quit watching him.

I like to reflect on that distant afternoon as I travel along life’s path, especially when the way seems dark or threatening. We may not always know what lies around the next bend, we may not fully perceive God’s abiding presence, we may not understand the route He asks us to follow, but we can rest assured that He loves us, that He guides our steps, and that His eyes are upon us the entire way.

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he falls, he will not be cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.” (Psalm 37:23-24)

Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-Law

A friend of mine recently asked my advice for dealing with an overly-critical mother-in-law. No matter what my friend does, it is never enough, and she is growing tired of even trying to make this woman happy.

What follows are a few guidelines I gave her for living at peace with demanding personalities. This strategy works equally well with difficult bosses, neighbors, or spouses, so give it try next time you find yourself dealing with anyone who seems impossible to please.

First, weigh her complaints. If they have no basis in reality, dismiss them. If amid all her faultfinding you discover a legitimate concern, address it. Apologize if you have wronged her, adjust your attitude, and mend your ways as needed.

Second, avoid conflict. As much as possible, try not to do things you know will upset her. If she hates to be kept waiting, don’t show up two hours late for lunch. If she resents the time your kids spend with their other grandmother, don’t flaunt the fact that your mother accompanied you on your last family vacation.

Third, forgive her. If you feel weary of even trying to please her, she has undoubtedly hurt your feelings. Let go of any bitterness you may harbor toward her for past cutting remarks. Wipe the slate clean and, in the future, approach her as if you had no bad history together, but were meeting for the first time. If it is necessary or possible to limit the time you spend with her, only do so to protect yourself, not to punish her.

Fourth, show consideration. Pick one or two things you know are important to her and make every effort to do them consistently. Birthdays and Mother’s Day are a big deal to my own mother-in-law. She wants to be remembered with a pretty card, signed by her son, and delivered precisely on the big day. The most important thing to her (getting the card on time) and the most important thing to me (including a long, newsy letter from home) are two different things. If I can’t do both, she’d much rather I send the signed and sealed card in a timely fashion and save the news for later, so that’s what I do.

Fifth, always be respectful. Someday when you are older, you may be a little cantankerous yourself, so treat your mother-in-law with the patience you’d want your daughter-in-law to show you. It may be impossible to keep her happy, but at least you can keep your conscience clear by behaving toward her in a way that is above reproach. Let your actions be based in love, your words be seasoned with grace, and your opinions be held in humility. Make it your goal to do right by her, whether it pleases her or not.

NOTE: This post was adapted from the monthly “Family Matters” column I write for THE NORTHEAST TEXAN. I also want to offer my apologies to the lovely lady pictured above, whoever she is. I picked the photo only because I loved this woman’s persnickety expression

Pray Your Way to a Smoother Day

I was reading the biography of George Muller aloud to my children this week and ran across a quote concerning the value of prayer. Muller claimed that “four hours of work after an hour of prayer would accomplish more than five hours without prayer.” It was a belief that he faithfully put into practice throughout his life.

Muller’s comment brought to mind a poem by Ralph Cushman that I memorized many years ago. It goes like this:

“The Secret”

I met God in the morning
When my day was at its best,
And His Presence came like sunrise
Like a glory in my breast.

All day long the Presence lingered,
All day long He stayed with me,
And we sailed in perfect calmness
O’er a very troubled sea.

Other ships were blown and battered,
Other ships were sore distressed,
But the winds that seemed to drive them
Brought to us a peace and rest.

Then I thought of other mornings,
With a keen remorse of mind,
When I, too, had loosed the moorings
With the Presence left behind.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned from many a troubled way;
You must seek Him in the morning
If you want Him through the day.

Although I normally do begin and end each day in prayer, I must confess that the longer my “to do” list, the shorter time I spend on my knees. Lately it feels like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done I want to do.

“Want” is the operative word, I think. God has promised in His word to supply all our needs, and that includes the hours and strength to do each day what truly needs to be done. Perhaps if I took a cue from George Muller, I’d have an easier time differentiating which is which.

Bigger They Are, Harder They Fall

My son David broke his leg this week. Dashing across campus between classes, he hurdled over a retaining wall and heard the bone crack as he landed. He snapped it in two places and ended up having a rod surgically inserted to stabilize things just a few hours after the accident.

The surgeon told us it was a good thing we brought him in right away. At 6’7″, David is strong and muscular and his bones are extremely dense. The doctor had a hard time getting the rod in as it was — had the muscles been given time to swell, it would have made the job much more difficult, if not impossible.

As usual, David didn’t complain. I never heard so much as a low groan escape his lips, although when questioned, he admitted it did hurt quite a bit. I knew it must by the way the blood drained from his face every time he was jostled. Broken bones can be excruciatingly painful.

Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Somehow, the idea of joints and marrow being split apart took on fresh meaning when I saw the X-ray of my son’s splintered leg. The word of God brings conviction — how could I expect the process to be anything but painful? Whether we experience conviction of sin as as a sharp, shooting pang or a dull, aching throb, it won’t go away until we climb onto the surgical table and let the Great Physician set things right.

David’s break was not an open fracture, so the only external evidence was a slight bulge on the side of his leg. The true extent of his injury could only be appreciated by taking an X-ray to examine the bone inside. Likewise, God is far more concerned about our inner failings than our outward appearance. He searches our heart. That’s why scriptures that speak to heart issues are always so piercing.  The more I read, the more aware I become of how badly broken I am, and of how far I fall short of the goal, which is total conformity to Christ.

No Dirty Dishes in the Sink

Arguments in marriage are like dirty dishes in the sink—they’re best dealt with immediately. At least, that’s how my husband and I have come to see it.

We learned early that putting off washing dishes does not make the chore any easier. On the contrary, if you let them sit long enough (which I’m ashamed to admit we did during those honeymoon weeks), milk will sour, mold will grow, and a cloud of midges will hover menacingly above your sink. It’s truly disgusting. Even if you put dishes to soak in hot water to loosen the baked-on grime, you had better return before the water becomes tepid and the suds disappear, or you’ll be back to dealing with a cold, slimy mess.

Having learned this lesson the hard way, I now try to tend to my dirty dishes in a more timely fashion. I take care not to make a bigger mess than is necessary. As much as is possible, I wash up as I go when preparing meals, so that it’s a simple matter of loading cups and plates into the dishwasher after we eat. And I also make a point to never leave dishes in the sink overnight.

I have found that abiding by these simple rules—don’t make unnecessary messes, wash up as you go, empty the sink before bedtime—makes the kitchen a vastly more pleasant place to work. But these same principles adapt readily to marriage in general and to conflict resolution in particular: Avoid unnecessary arguments. Address areas of conflict as they arise. And don’t go to bed angry. The rules are simple. They’re Biblical. And abiding by them makes our home an exceedingly more peaceful place to live.

Avoid Unnecessary Arguments

The Bible makes it clear that the best kind of argument is one that’s avoided. Read for yourself:
• “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Prov. 17:4)
• “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.”
(Prov. 20:3)
• “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”
(James 1:19)

Rather than wearing our feelings on our sleeves and taking offense at every little thing our husband does, we should cultivate an attitude of grace and forgiveness. But what if we find ourselves in the midst of conflict, despite our best efforts to avoid it. What then?

Address Areas of Conflict as They Arise

It is imperative that couples deal with disputes in a timely fashion, preferably as soon as they come up. Even if you decide in the heat of an argument that you need to cool off before continuing a discussion, do not put it off too long, lest you give wounds an opportunity to fester and find yourself in a bigger mess than you started with. Pray rather that God will give you the wisdom and love and patience you need to resolve the problem now.

Don’t Go to Bed Angry

The Bible states in no uncertain terms that we must “not let the sun go down on [our] anger” (Eph. 4:26). Solomon recommends that if we have a dispute with a neighbor, we “give no sleep to [our] eyes, nor slumber to [our] eyelids” until we’ve humbled ourselves and seen the matter resolved.

When a husband and wife make it their habit to resolve differences before turning in for the night, they are able to extend and experience forgiveness. After truly letting go of offenses, they rest with a clear conscience, unbothered by the day’s affairs, at peace with God and man. The alternative is tossing and turning night after night, never free of stress, guilt, resentment, anger, and bitterness that swarm through your thoughts like a cloud of midges? Given the choice, wouldn’t you rather just deal with the mess now?

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The above article was adapted from my book, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE, p. 253-258.

Don’t Bite the Breast that Feeds You

My baby is cutting teeth right now. Literally. She’s lying on a pillow in my lap, nursing even as I type. About the time I think she has fallen asleep and can be transferred back to her crib, she makes another last-ditch effort to help those central incisors break the surface. It’s a painful experience for both of us. I’ve given her numbing gel and teething rings, yet she remains determined to cut her teeth on me.

That this is for her own good, that she’ll need those teeth later on, that once she has them, she’ll forget the pain she endured to get them—these concepts elude her understanding at the moment. She only knows that she’s hurting and that she longs for comfort and relief. Which explains why—ouch!—she is currently resting in my arms and not in her bed.

Are there things in your life that bring pain or distress? Things that seem hard to bear? Things that hurt? It is easy to lose sight of the fact that such trials are a necessary part of growing up. They are for our own good. They stretch us, equip us, mold us, mature us. Which is why we are told to rejoice when we find ourselves in the midst of difficulty (James 1:2-3).

Yet God does not leave us without comfort. He has promised to carry us through (Matt. 11:28-30). We must learn to rest in Him. When we are hurting, there is no better place to be than in His arms.

How May I Help You?

I  was having trouble with my Internet connection at home today, so I called customer service and was promptly connected with tech support in India. I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with a very helpful Indian man who asked me lots of questions about my connection problem.

Before I hung up, I said, “May I ask you a question? Has anybody ever told you that Jesus Christ loves you and that He died for your sins?”

“No,” the man answered without hesitation. “Nobody has ever told me that. I’ve heard the name Jesus before, but I know nothing about him. I’d be very interested in learning more.”

So I shared the gospel with him, then directed him to the section of our family website that outlines “Our Beliefs,” which he promised to read.  Of course, we are praying for him, as well.

Incidentally, our Internet is working again. It came back on about an hour after that phone call, as mysteriously as it went out earlier today. Do you believe in Divinely disrupted Internet service? How about providential phone calls?