A New Year/ A New You

Even in grade school, my favorite section of the library was the “how-to” shelf. While my friends were reading their way through all 175 volumes of Nancy Drew, I was checking out book after book on crafting and building and drawing and sewing.

About the time I was running out of projects in McCALL’S GIANT GOLDEN MAKE IT BOOK, I came across a curious manuel entitled A NEW YOU, all about the benefits of regular face-washing and how to do a proper push-up.

I devoured it cover to cover.

It wasn’t that I was dissatisfied with the “old me,” but the book fell into my hands just as puberty was setting in. I’d like to think that reading it helped me navigate the attendant changes with a little more confidence and grace, despite the fact that my “awkward stage” was, by all other accounts, rather protracted.

So I rechecked the book about thirteen weeks in a row and would have kept it indefinitely had our school librarian not insisted I find something new to read and suggested I try ISLAND OF THE BLUE DOLPHINS, (which I likewise loved).

All this to say, the idea of self-improvement has intrigued me for almost forty years now. I normally start every January with a ridiculously long list of resolutions, but this year, I’m taking a different tack. I still have lots of areas that need attention, but I’m not going to tackle them all at once. Instead, I’ll take the entire year to focus on one improvement at a time. Since it takes roughly two weeks to establish a new habit, by the end of 2012, I’ll have made 26 lasting changes. Doesn’t that sound doable?

And since it is only by the grace of God that any endeavor meets with success, I plan to focus first on cultivating a more vibrant prayer life. Anybody care to join me? I plan to post plenty of how-to’s, progress reports, and other inspiring thoughts along the way, so check back in and let me know how it is going, okay?

Have You Hugged Your Kids Today?

If you haven’t already hugged your kids today, here are ten good reasons to do so now. And if you have, here’s a bunch of good excuses to hug them again.

1. Hugs are nice.

2. Hugs give you a good feeling inside.

3. Kids need hugs to stay healthy. I once read — although I cannot for the life of me remember where — that for optimal health, kids need a minimum of seven hugs a day.

4. So do parents.

5. Hugs mean “I love you.”

6. Hugs get you close enough to actually whisper “I love you”  right in their ear.

7. Hugs also make it easier to pat them on the back and tell them how proud you are of them.

8. Hugs can sometimes lead to tickling, which leads to laughter, which is also good medicine.

9. Hugs are fun.

10. Kids grow up fast. Once they leave home, you won’t be able to just hug them anytime you feel like it. So you’d better hug them now while you’ve got the chance. Especially the teenaged ones.

And while you are doling out hugs, be sure to give a few to your spouse, as well. You’ll want to be well-practiced for when your nest is empty. Otherwise, you may have a hard time keeping up with that seven-per-day quota.

My Sunday “To-Do” List

Do you ever daydream during worship services? Even as your lips sing the words to the songs and hymns, does your mind flit to memories from the past week or plans for the next?

Ecclesiastes 5:1 commands, “As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouths shut! Don’t be a fool who doesn’t realize that mindless offerings to God are evil.” (NLT)

I sometimes feel a vague sense of guilt when the last amen is said, and I realize I haven’t heard a word of the sermon. But I’ve never regarded my tendency to daydream as being particularly evil. That’s a pretty harsh term!

Yet God says that we are fools if we think He is pleased with mindless offerings. When we go through the motions of worship while our minds wander far astray, we miss the entire point. God wants us to love and serve and worship Him with our whole heart and our full attention. His strong words to the hypocritical pharisees should prove that He is not impressed by the external trappings:

Mark 7:6-7 – “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.”

So I’ve made myself a very short “to do” list for tomorrow:

1. Go to church.

2. Arrive on time.

3. Pay attention while I’m there.

Not in an effort to earn my salvation. Not to be bound by the rules of men. Only because I love the Lord and want to worship Him with my ears and my heart wide open.

Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-Law

A friend of mine recently asked my advice for dealing with an overly-critical mother-in-law. No matter what my friend does, it is never enough, and she is growing tired of even trying to make this woman happy.

What follows are a few guidelines I gave her for living at peace with demanding personalities. This strategy works equally well with difficult bosses, neighbors, or spouses, so give it try next time you find yourself dealing with anyone who seems impossible to please.

First, weigh her complaints. If they have no basis in reality, dismiss them. If amid all her faultfinding you discover a legitimate concern, address it. Apologize if you have wronged her, adjust your attitude, and mend your ways as needed.

Second, avoid conflict. As much as possible, try not to do things you know will upset her. If she hates to be kept waiting, don’t show up two hours late for lunch. If she resents the time your kids spend with their other grandmother, don’t flaunt the fact that your mother accompanied you on your last family vacation.

Third, forgive her. If you feel weary of even trying to please her, she has undoubtedly hurt your feelings. Let go of any bitterness you may harbor toward her for past cutting remarks. Wipe the slate clean and, in the future, approach her as if you had no bad history together, but were meeting for the first time. If it is necessary or possible to limit the time you spend with her, only do so to protect yourself, not to punish her.

Fourth, show consideration. Pick one or two things you know are important to her and make every effort to do them consistently. Birthdays and Mother’s Day are a big deal to my own mother-in-law. She wants to be remembered with a pretty card, signed by her son, and delivered precisely on the big day. The most important thing to her (getting the card on time) and the most important thing to me (including a long, newsy letter from home) are two different things. If I can’t do both, she’d much rather I send the signed and sealed card in a timely fashion and save the news for later, so that’s what I do.

Fifth, always be respectful. Someday when you are older, you may be a little cantankerous yourself, so treat your mother-in-law with the patience you’d want your daughter-in-law to show you. It may be impossible to keep her happy, but at least you can keep your conscience clear by behaving toward her in a way that is above reproach. Let your actions be based in love, your words be seasoned with grace, and your opinions be held in humility. Make it your goal to do right by her, whether it pleases her or not.

NOTE: This post was adapted from the monthly “Family Matters” column I write for THE NORTHEAST TEXAN. I also want to offer my apologies to the lovely lady pictured above, whoever she is. I picked the photo only because I loved this woman’s persnickety expression

Pray Your Way to a Smoother Day

I was reading the biography of George Muller aloud to my children this week and ran across a quote concerning the value of prayer. Muller claimed that “four hours of work after an hour of prayer would accomplish more than five hours without prayer.” It was a belief that he faithfully put into practice throughout his life.

Muller’s comment brought to mind a poem by Ralph Cushman that I memorized many years ago. It goes like this:

“The Secret”

I met God in the morning
When my day was at its best,
And His Presence came like sunrise
Like a glory in my breast.

All day long the Presence lingered,
All day long He stayed with me,
And we sailed in perfect calmness
O’er a very troubled sea.

Other ships were blown and battered,
Other ships were sore distressed,
But the winds that seemed to drive them
Brought to us a peace and rest.

Then I thought of other mornings,
With a keen remorse of mind,
When I, too, had loosed the moorings
With the Presence left behind.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned from many a troubled way;
You must seek Him in the morning
If you want Him through the day.

Although I normally do begin and end each day in prayer, I must confess that the longer my “to do” list, the shorter time I spend on my knees. Lately it feels like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done I want to do.

“Want” is the operative word, I think. God has promised in His word to supply all our needs, and that includes the hours and strength to do each day what truly needs to be done. Perhaps if I took a cue from George Muller, I’d have an easier time differentiating which is which.

No Dirty Dishes in the Sink

Arguments in marriage are like dirty dishes in the sink—they’re best dealt with immediately. At least, that’s how my husband and I have come to see it.

We learned early that putting off washing dishes does not make the chore any easier. On the contrary, if you let them sit long enough (which I’m ashamed to admit we did during those honeymoon weeks), milk will sour, mold will grow, and a cloud of midges will hover menacingly above your sink. It’s truly disgusting. Even if you put dishes to soak in hot water to loosen the baked-on grime, you had better return before the water becomes tepid and the suds disappear, or you’ll be back to dealing with a cold, slimy mess.

Having learned this lesson the hard way, I now try to tend to my dirty dishes in a more timely fashion. I take care not to make a bigger mess than is necessary. As much as is possible, I wash up as I go when preparing meals, so that it’s a simple matter of loading cups and plates into the dishwasher after we eat. And I also make a point to never leave dishes in the sink overnight.

I have found that abiding by these simple rules—don’t make unnecessary messes, wash up as you go, empty the sink before bedtime—makes the kitchen a vastly more pleasant place to work. But these same principles adapt readily to marriage in general and to conflict resolution in particular: Avoid unnecessary arguments. Address areas of conflict as they arise. And don’t go to bed angry. The rules are simple. They’re Biblical. And abiding by them makes our home an exceedingly more peaceful place to live.

Avoid Unnecessary Arguments

The Bible makes it clear that the best kind of argument is one that’s avoided. Read for yourself:
• “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Prov. 17:4)
• “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.”
(Prov. 20:3)
• “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”
(James 1:19)

Rather than wearing our feelings on our sleeves and taking offense at every little thing our husband does, we should cultivate an attitude of grace and forgiveness. But what if we find ourselves in the midst of conflict, despite our best efforts to avoid it. What then?

Address Areas of Conflict as They Arise

It is imperative that couples deal with disputes in a timely fashion, preferably as soon as they come up. Even if you decide in the heat of an argument that you need to cool off before continuing a discussion, do not put it off too long, lest you give wounds an opportunity to fester and find yourself in a bigger mess than you started with. Pray rather that God will give you the wisdom and love and patience you need to resolve the problem now.

Don’t Go to Bed Angry

The Bible states in no uncertain terms that we must “not let the sun go down on [our] anger” (Eph. 4:26). Solomon recommends that if we have a dispute with a neighbor, we “give no sleep to [our] eyes, nor slumber to [our] eyelids” until we’ve humbled ourselves and seen the matter resolved.

When a husband and wife make it their habit to resolve differences before turning in for the night, they are able to extend and experience forgiveness. After truly letting go of offenses, they rest with a clear conscience, unbothered by the day’s affairs, at peace with God and man. The alternative is tossing and turning night after night, never free of stress, guilt, resentment, anger, and bitterness that swarm through your thoughts like a cloud of midges? Given the choice, wouldn’t you rather just deal with the mess now?

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The above article was adapted from my book, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE, p. 253-258.

Breathe Some LIFE Back into Your Marriage

Does your marriage feel like it needs resuscitating? Maybe it’s time to breathe some LIFE back into your relationship:

L = Laugh. Your husband still wants to have fun with you. Take time to do things together. Enjoy one another. Smile. Laugh.
I = Intercede. Couples who pray together stay together. The rate of divorce drops to less than 1% among husbands and wives who make joint prayer a routine part of their lives.
F = Forgive. Let go of any bitterness and resentment for past offenses and start afresh with a clean slate. Focus on your spouse’s good qualities and express gratitude for them.
E = Embrace. Don’t underestimate the importance of physical affection. “Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed.” Show by your actions that you love your spouse and still find him attractive.

Simple, isn’t it? Give your spouse a heaping helping of these four elements, and start enjoying a healthier, more robust relationship today!

New Year’s Resolutions

I’ve been after my husband to begin blogging in the New Year, as I think he has a lot of wisdom that ought to be shared.  Yet, it doesn’t seem right to ask him to do something I’m not willing to do myself, so I’ve decided to start a blog of my own as well. We’ll see which of us posts most faithfully over the next 12 months.

I’ve always loved New Year’s. It’s a time for fresh starts and new beginnings. I usually come up with a lengthy list of resolutions, aimed at helping me become a better version of myself, as nearly perfect as possible.  And of course, I usually fall far short of that goal.

This year I resolve to keep it simple.  My goals for the next twelve months are to:

1. Smile more
2. Eat less
3. Listen better
4. Pray harder
5. Admit when I’m wrong
6. Get off the computer when there’s work to be done, even if my blog entry could use some extra polishing.