Bloom Where You’re Planted

I’ll never forget my first talent show. I was in fifth grade and could hardly wait to take center stage!

I had a nice singing voice, so my parents, teachers, and friends encouraged me to sing a solo for the program. But in my mind, singing was too common, too boring. I wanted to do something unique, something unexpected, something unforgettable.

So rather than stick with singing, which was something I was good at and felt comfortable doing, I chose to do something I had absolutely no talent for and looked like a bull in a china closet even attempting: gymnastics.

I’d taken gymnastics briefly before, just long enough to tumble in the gym’s Spring Recital. I was the girl performing the routine on the sidelines. My coach singled me out to be a “line leader” so that the rest of the class could watch me—me!—and thereby stay together. Although it would be several years before I realized it, this was in reality a shameless ploy for getting the tall clumsy redhead out of the lineup, so her awkward performance wouldn’t mar the effect of an entire class of pixies cartwheeling, somersaulting, and pirouetting in perfect unison.

Long story short, my tumbling routine at the talent show was a miserable failure. I fell into a row of folding chairs and made a terrible racket, so the emcee closed the curtains on me early, before I could break something. Inwardly, I chafed. If only I’d had more time, better lighting, a fancier costume, stronger muscles, a more clever coach… then I could have been the star of the show.

But God had given me neither the talent nor the body for gymnastics. What He had given me was a gift for music and a beautiful voice. If I had been smart, I would have taken that and run with it.

I’ve known many wives who waste a lot of precious time wishing their circumstances were different, wishing their husband was different. “If only he were more loving, more patient, more understanding, more driven, more successful, a stronger spiritual leader…. then I could be happy, then I could be a good wife, then I would obey God, then I would be the perfect Proverbs 31 lady.”

But God didn’t give you some other husband. God didn’t give you some other marriage. He gave you the one you have — and He expects you to run with it. He wants you to bloom where you’re planted. Don’t waste valuable time longing for your husband to be something he’s not. Love him for who he is right now, not who you thought he was when you married him, not who you wish he would become. Dedicate yourself to supporting and encouraging him in any way you can.

God chose you specially. He equipped you with unique talents, gifts, and abilities that perfectly complement your husband. You should be using those gifts to serve, to minister, to encourage, to help him in every way possible.

Want your marriage to bloom with a thriving beauty? Then pour yourself completely into the relationship. Shower your husband with self-sacrificing love. Nurture your marriage with gratitude and respect. The blossoms will soon burst forth in abundance, followed by the most delectable fruit you can imagine. One taste, and you’ll be glad that God planted you right where you are.

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The above article was adapted from my book, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE, pp. 273-275.

How to Handle a Disinterested Husband

When it comes to physical intimacy, most husbands are enthusiastic participants. But statistics show that in about 20% of marriages, it is the wife who has the stronger sex drive. A few such women have written to me looking for ways to help remedy this situation.

Unfortunately, there’s no simple solution, but the following few practical suggestions may help. Just remember: dealing with a disinterested spouse requires love, understanding, and more than a little PATIENCE….

P = Pray about it:
Ask God to give you wisdom and discernment as you address any underlying problems that may be adversely affecting your husband’s desire for intimacy. God alone has the power to transform this area of your marriage into everything it was meant to be, so pray earnestly that He would do so.

A = Adjust his diet:
Testosterone is the primary hormone that regulates a man’s sex drive, so you might add foods to his diet that are known to help raise testosterone levels (like salmon, avocados, and bananas) and limit foods that can interfere with testosterone production (such as fried foods, sugar and caffeine). Studies suggest that getting regular aerobic exercise can also improve testosterone levels, so consider taking a short walk around the block together while your food digests.

T = Turn in early: Schedule time earlier in the day to enjoy physical intimacy. Waiting until either or both of you are tired and exhausted is a sure recipe for frustration. Try setting time aside time before dinner, so that you are not contending with full stomachs, as well.

I = Initiate often: Pursue intimacy with your husband frequently, and try not to get your feelings hurt if/when he turns you down. This is especially important if you have consistently rejected his advances in the past. He may have developed a why-even-bother mentality and may require a little convincing that you really are serious about mending your ways.

E = Exercise good hygiene: Take care of your physical appearance. Men are visual creatures, and marriage does not alter that fact. So do your best to look your best: exercise, watch what you eat, bathe or shower regularly, style your hair, brush your teeth, dress in clean, well-fitting clothes. If your husband likes for you to wear a little makeup or perfume, then do that, as well.

N = Never belittle him: Nothing will kill a man’s sex drive faster than a nagging, disrespectful, or resentful wife. Treat him like a man, not like a child. Focus on his positive qualities and voice sincere appreciation for them. Take any negative qualities to the throne of grace and leave them there; God can do a much more effective job of improving your husband than you could ever hope to do yourself.

C = Consult a physician: Disinterest in sex is sometimes a symptom of disease or side-effect of medication. It can also be caused by “performance anxiety” — fear that things won’t work the way they are supposed to work — which often becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Encourage your husband to get a complete physical and to discuss this issue with his doctor.

E = Express non-sexual affection: You can receive many of the same oxytocin-producing benefits of sex through non-sexual touch. Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, and back-rubs aren’t a substitute, but are a great supplement until your husband is ready for more.

For more information on why cultivating an active sex life is a worthy goal for any wife, please read my book: Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage.

How Will You Be Remembered?

An interviewer once asked Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison how she had become such a great writer. Did she study a particular method? Read books to hone her craft? Study under famous authors?

To which Morrison laughed and replied, “Oh, no, that is not why I am a great writer. I am a great writer because when I was a little girl and walked into a room where my father was sitting, his eyes would light up. That is why I am a great writer. There isn’t any other reason.”*

I find this story both encouraging and convicting. Encouraging, because it shows what a profound effect this man’s love for his daughter had upon her development. Convicting, because it begs the question, How will my children will remember me?

Will they remember a mother who took utter delight in their company? Or one who was too distracted to notice when they entered a room?

Will they recall eyes that danced as she listened to their stories with unfeigned interest? Or eyes that drifted back to an iPhone or computer screen before half a dozen words were uttered?

Will their minds replay the unceasing stream of affirmation, love, encouragement, and respect that flowed from their mother’s lips? Or will they be haunted by criticism, disapproval, and remarks made in anger or frustration?

Will they envision a mother who willingly laid aside projects, plans, and pastimes whenever she heard them call, “Look, Mom! Watch me, Mom! Mom! You’ve got to see this…”? Or will they remember a mom too busy to be bothered?

Will they remember a mother who smiled?

The mother I want my children to remember in the future is the mother I must be in the here and now.

How do you want your children to remember you? What steps will you take today to make today to make those memories happen?

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Further reading on related topics, may I suggest:

One Awesome Piece of Advice Every Parent Should Know by Darlene Schacht (The Time Warp Wife)
Missing More Than Life by Rachel Stafford (Hands Free Mama)
The Interrupted Life by Charlotte Siems (This Lovely Place)

*As quoted by Nancy Campbell on page 362 of her newest book, CHEER UP!

In Pursuit of Lasting Results

I have a friend who refuses to iron more than one piece of clothing at a time. She believes that dying with a closet full of clean, pressed clothes would be testimony to a wasted life. Why bother ironing something you may never get the chance to wear?

“I”d much rather spend my time mowing the lawn,” my friend confides. I assume she just enjoys being out in the fresh air and sunshine, but no, she explains, the reason she likes cutting the grass is because she knows it won’t need to be cut again for a full week — or at least five or six days. Not so with any other domestic task.

I can see her point. You can knock yourself out scrubbing bathrooms, mopping floors, or washing windows, and the results can be completely undone in a matter of minutes. (And the more young children that share your household, the more likely your efforts to keep it clean will be thwarted.)

Even a home-cooked meal is summarily demolished once it’s been brought to the table. No sooner do you wash and dry the last dish from one meal than your famished family is back in the kitchen, asking when they may expect the next and begging for a snack.

But a freshly-mown lawn? Once that job’s done, you can take a well-earned break and enjoy it for awhile. There is something very gratifying about that fact.

As a wife and mother, I must deal with an endless barrage of demands upon my time and energy, of which there is a very limited supply. If I do not choose wisely, I will end up squandering it to achieve results that are fleeting rather than investing it in something longer lasting.  I want to make taking care of people, not possessions, my focus.

Of course, at some point, the laundry does have to be washed, the meals prepared, the floors swept. Life has always been a balancing act and always will be. The challenge is to tend to the temporal duties in such a way that we achieve lasting results. Not that the same chores won’t have to be done all over again tomorrow, but that in the doing, we are training children, teaching teamwork, showing appreciation, offering encouragement, modeling diligence, radiating joy, building character, and making memories together.

That kind of time investment will yield results that endure.

Have You Hugged Your Kids Today?

If you haven’t already hugged your kids today, here are ten good reasons to do so now. And if you have, here’s a bunch of good excuses to hug them again.

1. Hugs are nice.

2. Hugs give you a good feeling inside.

3. Kids need hugs to stay healthy. I once read — although I cannot for the life of me remember where — that for optimal health, kids need a minimum of seven hugs a day.

4. So do parents.

5. Hugs mean “I love you.”

6. Hugs get you close enough to actually whisper “I love you”  right in their ear.

7. Hugs also make it easier to pat them on the back and tell them how proud you are of them.

8. Hugs can sometimes lead to tickling, which leads to laughter, which is also good medicine.

9. Hugs are fun.

10. Kids grow up fast. Once they leave home, you won’t be able to just hug them anytime you feel like it. So you’d better hug them now while you’ve got the chance. Especially the teenaged ones.

And while you are doling out hugs, be sure to give a few to your spouse, as well. You’ll want to be well-practiced for when your nest is empty. Otherwise, you may have a hard time keeping up with that seven-per-day quota.

Who Needs a Dinner Bell?

The first home we ever owned was situated at the mouth of a cozy little cul-de-sac, which gave every neighbor on the block an unobstructed view of our house and yard. Clearly, then, my husband was not thinking of my reputation when he slapped the lid on my flaming hash-browns one Saturday morning and rushed out to the front curb to extinguish them. And this only days after we moved in!

First impressions are not always right, but in this instance, our new neighbors were given a fairly accurate indicator of my culinary skills (or current lack thereof). In the five years we lived there, it was not at all uncommon for them to look out of their own windows and see smoke pouring out of mine. My husband often teased me, “Who needs a dinner bell when you’ve got a fire alarm?”

It wasn’t that I was incapable of cooking a decent meal. It was just that I was (and am) so easily distracted. I’d barely get dinner in the oven before I was completely absorbed in some other project. I wouldn’t give the meal a second thought until it had burnt to a crisp and its charred, smoldering remains triggered the smoke detector.

At least now I’ve learned to use a kitchen timer. And I’ve come to realize that delicious, nutritious meals don’t just happen. They require attention to detail and diligent work.

If you are anything like me, there are countless things vying for your attention these days. Some of them — like folding laundry or watching the news — can be done on autopilot without causing harm. But other things — like building a marriage or raising kids– may crash and burn if you don’t tend them carefully.

Healthy marriages and happy children don’t just happen. They require attention, commitment, and work. We mustn’t wait until we smell the smoke before we give it.

A Fish without Fins

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m posting a poem I wrote for my husband even before he became my husband. I gave it to him way back in February of 1987, and he still proposed a month later, so he obviously wasn’t marrying me for my poetic devices. I hope you’ll enjoy my little walk down memory lane. You’ll be gratified to know that I’ve omitted several stanzas here, for the sake of brevity.

As a peacock without feathers,

As a bear without its fur,

As a postman without letters,

As a cat that cannot purr,

As a bee without its stinger,

As a fox without its tail,

As a bell without a ringer,

As a ship without a sail,

As a dinner with no courses,

As a bride without a gown,

As a carousel with horses

That cannot move up and down,

As a cow without her udders,

As a lion with no teeth,

As a window without shutters,

As a door without a wreath,

As a Cupid without arrows,

As a Santa with no sleigh,

As a birdhouse without sparrows,

As a needle in the hay,

As a park without a pigeon,

As a fire without heat,

As a car without its engine,

As a heart that cannot beat,

As a duck without its bill,

As a possum with no pouch,

As a rod without a reel,

As a shrink without a couch,

As a clock without its hands,

As a suit that has no pants,

As a half-time without bands,

Or as Paris without France,

As tea without a kettle,

As a hen that cannot lay,

As an athlete with no medal,

As a childhood without play,

As a summer without rain,

As Bo Peep without her flock,

As a track without a train,

Or as Star Trek with no Spock,

As a gaggle with no ganders,

As a sock without a shoe,

So I tell you, Douglas Flanders,

Would I be if not for you!

Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-Law

A friend of mine recently asked my advice for dealing with an overly-critical mother-in-law. No matter what my friend does, it is never enough, and she is growing tired of even trying to make this woman happy.

What follows are a few guidelines I gave her for living at peace with demanding personalities. This strategy works equally well with difficult bosses, neighbors, or spouses, so give it try next time you find yourself dealing with anyone who seems impossible to please.

First, weigh her complaints. If they have no basis in reality, dismiss them. If amid all her faultfinding you discover a legitimate concern, address it. Apologize if you have wronged her, adjust your attitude, and mend your ways as needed.

Second, avoid conflict. As much as possible, try not to do things you know will upset her. If she hates to be kept waiting, don’t show up two hours late for lunch. If she resents the time your kids spend with their other grandmother, don’t flaunt the fact that your mother accompanied you on your last family vacation.

Third, forgive her. If you feel weary of even trying to please her, she has undoubtedly hurt your feelings. Let go of any bitterness you may harbor toward her for past cutting remarks. Wipe the slate clean and, in the future, approach her as if you had no bad history together, but were meeting for the first time. If it is necessary or possible to limit the time you spend with her, only do so to protect yourself, not to punish her.

Fourth, show consideration. Pick one or two things you know are important to her and make every effort to do them consistently. Birthdays and Mother’s Day are a big deal to my own mother-in-law. She wants to be remembered with a pretty card, signed by her son, and delivered precisely on the big day. The most important thing to her (getting the card on time) and the most important thing to me (including a long, newsy letter from home) are two different things. If I can’t do both, she’d much rather I send the signed and sealed card in a timely fashion and save the news for later, so that’s what I do.

Fifth, always be respectful. Someday when you are older, you may be a little cantankerous yourself, so treat your mother-in-law with the patience you’d want your daughter-in-law to show you. It may be impossible to keep her happy, but at least you can keep your conscience clear by behaving toward her in a way that is above reproach. Let your actions be based in love, your words be seasoned with grace, and your opinions be held in humility. Make it your goal to do right by her, whether it pleases her or not.

NOTE: This post was adapted from the monthly “Family Matters” column I write for THE NORTHEAST TEXAN. I also want to offer my apologies to the lovely lady pictured above, whoever she is. I picked the photo only because I loved this woman’s persnickety expression

No Dirty Dishes in the Sink

Arguments in marriage are like dirty dishes in the sink—they’re best dealt with immediately. At least, that’s how my husband and I have come to see it.

We learned early that putting off washing dishes does not make the chore any easier. On the contrary, if you let them sit long enough (which I’m ashamed to admit we did during those honeymoon weeks), milk will sour, mold will grow, and a cloud of midges will hover menacingly above your sink. It’s truly disgusting. Even if you put dishes to soak in hot water to loosen the baked-on grime, you had better return before the water becomes tepid and the suds disappear, or you’ll be back to dealing with a cold, slimy mess.

Having learned this lesson the hard way, I now try to tend to my dirty dishes in a more timely fashion. I take care not to make a bigger mess than is necessary. As much as is possible, I wash up as I go when preparing meals, so that it’s a simple matter of loading cups and plates into the dishwasher after we eat. And I also make a point to never leave dishes in the sink overnight.

I have found that abiding by these simple rules—don’t make unnecessary messes, wash up as you go, empty the sink before bedtime—makes the kitchen a vastly more pleasant place to work. But these same principles adapt readily to marriage in general and to conflict resolution in particular: Avoid unnecessary arguments. Address areas of conflict as they arise. And don’t go to bed angry. The rules are simple. They’re Biblical. And abiding by them makes our home an exceedingly more peaceful place to live.

Avoid Unnecessary Arguments

The Bible makes it clear that the best kind of argument is one that’s avoided. Read for yourself:
• “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Prov. 17:4)
• “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.”
(Prov. 20:3)
• “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”
(James 1:19)

Rather than wearing our feelings on our sleeves and taking offense at every little thing our husband does, we should cultivate an attitude of grace and forgiveness. But what if we find ourselves in the midst of conflict, despite our best efforts to avoid it. What then?

Address Areas of Conflict as They Arise

It is imperative that couples deal with disputes in a timely fashion, preferably as soon as they come up. Even if you decide in the heat of an argument that you need to cool off before continuing a discussion, do not put it off too long, lest you give wounds an opportunity to fester and find yourself in a bigger mess than you started with. Pray rather that God will give you the wisdom and love and patience you need to resolve the problem now.

Don’t Go to Bed Angry

The Bible states in no uncertain terms that we must “not let the sun go down on [our] anger” (Eph. 4:26). Solomon recommends that if we have a dispute with a neighbor, we “give no sleep to [our] eyes, nor slumber to [our] eyelids” until we’ve humbled ourselves and seen the matter resolved.

When a husband and wife make it their habit to resolve differences before turning in for the night, they are able to extend and experience forgiveness. After truly letting go of offenses, they rest with a clear conscience, unbothered by the day’s affairs, at peace with God and man. The alternative is tossing and turning night after night, never free of stress, guilt, resentment, anger, and bitterness that swarm through your thoughts like a cloud of midges? Given the choice, wouldn’t you rather just deal with the mess now?

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The above article was adapted from my book, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE, p. 253-258.

Breathe Some LIFE Back into Your Marriage

Does your marriage feel like it needs resuscitating? Maybe it’s time to breathe some LIFE back into your relationship:

L = Laugh. Your husband still wants to have fun with you. Take time to do things together. Enjoy one another. Smile. Laugh.
I = Intercede. Couples who pray together stay together. The rate of divorce drops to less than 1% among husbands and wives who make joint prayer a routine part of their lives.
F = Forgive. Let go of any bitterness and resentment for past offenses and start afresh with a clean slate. Focus on your spouse’s good qualities and express gratitude for them.
E = Embrace. Don’t underestimate the importance of physical affection. “Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed.” Show by your actions that you love your spouse and still find him attractive.

Simple, isn’t it? Give your spouse a heaping helping of these four elements, and start enjoying a healthier, more robust relationship today!