Romancing and roses aside, this is the love we must build our marriage on if we want it to last: the perfect, self-sacrificing, putting-the-needs-of-another-ahead-of-my-own, 1 Corinthians 13 sort of love that Jesus shows us. Let’s make it our goal to demonstrate that kind of love to our families — not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.
For a free printable copy of the above graphic, visit our family website. And remember: “We love, because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
Can you believe it? Another Christmas come and (very nearly) gone! Ours ended up being white this year — a surprising and delightful rarity here in Texas.
When you take down your tree and lights and stockings over the next few days, I hope you’ll be mindful not to pack away your Christmas spirit along with the decorations. As noted in the poem “Let Every Day Be Christmas,” that peace-on-earth-good-will-toward-men attitude is something we should carry in our hearts all year through:
Christmas is forever,
not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving,
are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel,
in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others
is good you do yourself.
So I pray that the remainder of your Christmas, plus all the days that follow, will be characterized by love and joy and giving. And may “God bless us, every one!”
For any readers who may have thought it unfair for me to discuss a wife’s responsibility to show respect for her husband without mention of the husband’s obligation to love his wife, I offer this companion list for men: 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife.
It’s good stuff. My husband wrote it, but more importantly, he lives it. You’ll find the full list posted on his blog, All Truth is God’s Truth. Read it, print it, share it with your husband, but please don’t wait for him to make the first move. Your demonstrating sincere respect for him will make it easier for him to feel genuine love towards you, and vice versa.
I’ll never forget my first talent show. I was in fifth grade and could hardly wait to take center stage!
I had a nice singing voice, so my parents, teachers, and friends encouraged me to sing a solo for the program. But in my mind, singing was too common, too boring. I wanted to do something unique, something unexpected, something unforgettable.
So rather than stick with singing, which was something I was good at and felt comfortable doing, I chose to do something I had absolutely no talent for and looked like a bull in a china closet even attempting: gymnastics.
I’d taken gymnastics briefly before, just long enough to tumble in the gym’s Spring Recital. I was the girl performing the routine on the sidelines. My coach singled me out to be a “line leader” so that the rest of the class could watch me—me!—and thereby stay together. Although it would be several years before I realized it, this was in reality a shameless ploy for getting the tall clumsy redhead out of the lineup, so her awkward performance wouldn’t mar the effect of an entire class of pixies cartwheeling, somersaulting, and pirouetting in perfect unison.
Long story short, my tumbling routine at the talent show was a miserable failure. I fell into a row of folding chairs and made a terrible racket, so the emcee closed the curtains on me early, before I could break something. Inwardly, I chafed. If only I’d had more time, better lighting, a fancier costume, stronger muscles, a more clever coach… then I could have been the star of the show.
But God had given me neither the talent nor the body for gymnastics. What He had given me was a gift for music and a beautiful voice. If I had been smart, I would have taken that and run with it.
I’ve known many wives who waste a lot of precious time wishing their circumstances were different, wishing their husband was different. “If only he were more loving, more patient, more understanding, more driven, more successful, a stronger spiritual leader…. then I could be happy, then I could be a good wife, then I would obey God, then I would be the perfect Proverbs 31 lady.”
But God didn’t give you some other husband. God didn’t give you some other marriage. He gave you the one you have — and He expects you to run with it. He wants you to bloom where you’re planted. Don’t waste valuable time longing for your husband to be something he’s not. Love him for who he is right now, not who you thought he was when you married him, not who you wish he would become. Dedicate yourself to supporting and encouraging him in any way you can.
God chose you specially. He equipped you with unique talents, gifts, and abilities that perfectly complement your husband. You should be using those gifts to serve, to minister, to encourage, to help him in every way possible.
Want your marriage to bloom with a thriving beauty? Then pour yourself completely into the relationship. Shower your husband with self-sacrificing love. Nurture your marriage with gratitude and respect. The blossoms will soon burst forth in abundance, followed by the most delectable fruit you can imagine. One taste, and you’ll be glad that God planted you right where you are.
When it comes to physical intimacy, most husbands are enthusiastic participants. But statistics show that in about 20% of marriages, it is the wife who has the stronger sex drive. A few such women have written to me looking for ways to help remedy this situation.
Unfortunately, there’s no simple solution, but the following few practical suggestions may help. Just remember: dealing with a disinterested spouse requires love, understanding, and more than a little PATIENCE….
P = Pray about it:
Ask God to give you wisdom and discernment as you address any underlying problems that may be adversely affecting your husband’s desire for intimacy. God alone has the power to transform this area of your marriage into everything it was meant to be, so pray earnestly that He would do so.
A = Adjust his diet:
Testosterone is the primary hormone that regulates a man’s sex drive, so you might add foods to his diet that are known to help raise testosterone levels (like salmon, avocados, and bananas) and limit foods that can interfere with testosterone production (such as fried foods, sugar and caffeine). Studies suggest that getting regular aerobic exercise can also improve testosterone levels, so consider taking a short walk around the block together while your food digests.
T = Turn in early: Schedule time earlier in the day to enjoy physical intimacy. Waiting until either or both of you are tired and exhausted is a sure recipe for frustration. Try setting time aside time before dinner, so that you are not contending with full stomachs, as well.
I = Initiate often: Pursue intimacy with your husband frequently, and try not to get your feelings hurt if/when he turns you down. This is especially important if you have consistently rejected his advances in the past. He may have developed a why-even-bother mentality and may require a little convincing that you really are serious about mending your ways.
E = Exercise good hygiene: Take care of your physical appearance. Men are visual creatures, and marriage does not alter that fact. So do your best to look your best: exercise, watch what you eat, bathe or shower regularly, style your hair, brush your teeth, dress in clean, well-fitting clothes. If your husband likes for you to wear a little makeup or perfume, then do that, as well.
N = Never belittle him: Nothing will kill a man’s sex drive faster than a nagging, disrespectful, or resentful wife. Treat him like a man, not like a child. Focus on his positive qualities and voice sincere appreciation for them. Take any negative qualities to the throne of grace and leave them there; God can do a much more effective job of improving your husband than you could ever hope to do yourself.
C = Consult a physician: Disinterest in sex is sometimes a symptom of disease or side-effect of medication. It can also be caused by “performance anxiety” — fear that things won’t work the way they are supposed to work — which often becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Encourage your husband to get a complete physical and to discuss this issue with his doctor.
E = Express non-sexual affection: You can receive many of the same oxytocin-producing benefits of sex through non-sexual touch. Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, and back-rubs aren’t a substitute, but are a great supplement until your husband is ready for more.
For more information on why cultivating an active sex life is a worthy goal for any wife, please read my book: Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage.
As a wife, you have the ability to make your Valentine’s day, every day of the year, and you don’t even need flowers, chocolates, or greeting cards to do it. Just follow these three simple steps:
And that about sums it up. No further explanation required.
An interviewer once asked Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison how she had become such a great writer. Did she study a particular method? Read books to hone her craft? Study under famous authors?
To which Morrison laughed and replied, “Oh, no, that is not why I am a great writer. I am a great writer because when I was a little girl and walked into a room where my father was sitting, his eyes would light up. That is why I am a great writer. There isn’t any other reason.”*
I find this story both encouraging and convicting. Encouraging, because it shows what a profound effect this man’s love for his daughter had upon her development. Convicting, because it begs the question, How will my children will remember me?
Will they remember a mother who took utter delight in their company? Or one who was too distracted to notice when they entered a room?
Will they recall eyes that danced as she listened to their stories with unfeigned interest? Or eyes that drifted back to an iPhone or computer screen before half a dozen words were uttered?
Will their minds replay the unceasing stream of affirmation, love, encouragement, and respect that flowed from their mother’s lips? Or will they be haunted by criticism, disapproval, and remarks made in anger or frustration?
Will they envision a mother who willingly laid aside projects, plans, and pastimes whenever she heard them call, “Look, Mom! Watch me, Mom! Mom! You’ve got to see this…”? Or will they remember a mom too busy to be bothered?
Will they remember a mother who smiled?
The mother I want my children to remember in the future is the mother I must be in the here and now.
How do you want your children to remember you? What steps will you take today to make today to make those memories happen?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Further reading on related topics, may I suggest:
One Awesome Piece of Advice Every Parent Should Know by Darlene Schacht (The Time Warp Wife)
Missing More Than Life by Rachel Stafford (Hands Free Mama)
The Interrupted Life by Charlotte Siems (This Lovely Place)
*As quoted by Nancy Campbell on page 362 of her newest book, CHEER UP!
If you haven’t already hugged your kids today, here are ten good reasons to do so now. And if you have, here’s a bunch of good excuses to hug them again.
1. Hugs are nice.
2. Hugs give you a good feeling inside.
3. Kids need hugs to stay healthy. I once read — although I cannot for the life of me remember where — that for optimal health, kids need a minimum of seven hugs a day.
4. So do parents.
5. Hugs mean “I love you.”
6. Hugs get you close enough to actually whisper “I love you” right in their ear.
7. Hugs also make it easier to pat them on the back and tell them how proud you are of them.
8. Hugs can sometimes lead to tickling, which leads to laughter, which is also good medicine.
9. Hugs are fun.
10. Kids grow up fast. Once they leave home, you won’t be able to just hug them anytime you feel like it. So you’d better hug them now while you’ve got the chance. Especially the teenaged ones.
And while you are doling out hugs, be sure to give a few to your spouse, as well. You’ll want to be well-practiced for when your nest is empty. Otherwise, you may have a hard time keeping up with that seven-per-day quota.
The first home we ever owned was situated at the mouth of a cozy little cul-de-sac, which gave every neighbor on the block an unobstructed view of our house and yard. Clearly, then, my husband was not thinking of my reputation when he slapped the lid on my flaming hash-browns one Saturday morning and rushed out to the front curb to extinguish them. And this only days after we moved in!
First impressions are not always right, but in this instance, our new neighbors were given a fairly accurate indicator of my culinary skills (or current lack thereof). In the five years we lived there, it was not at all uncommon for them to look out of their own windows and see smoke pouring out of mine. My husband often teased me, “Who needs a dinner bell when you’ve got a fire alarm?”
It wasn’t that I was incapable of cooking a decent meal. It was just that I was (and am) so easily distracted. I’d barely get dinner in the oven before I was completely absorbed in some other project. I wouldn’t give the meal a second thought until it had burnt to a crisp and its charred, smoldering remains triggered the smoke detector.
At least now I’ve learned to use a kitchen timer. And I’ve come to realize that delicious, nutritious meals don’t just happen. They require attention to detail and diligent work.
If you are anything like me, there are countless things vying for your attention these days. Some of them — like folding laundry or watching the news — can be done on autopilot without causing harm. But other things — like building a marriage or raising kids– may crash and burn if you don’t tend them carefully.
Healthy marriages and happy children don’t just happen. They require attention, commitment, and work. We mustn’t wait until we smell the smoke before we give it.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m posting a poem I wrote for my husband even before he became my husband. I gave it to him way back in February of 1987, and he still proposed a month later, so he obviously wasn’t marrying me for my poetic devices. I hope you’ll enjoy my little walk down memory lane. You’ll be gratified to know that I’ve omitted several stanzas here, for the sake of brevity.
As a peacock without feathers,
As a bear without its fur,
As a postman without letters,
As a cat that cannot purr,
As a bee without its stinger,
As a fox without its tail,
As a bell without a ringer,
As a ship without a sail,
As a dinner with no courses,
As a bride without a gown,
As a carousel with horses
That cannot move up and down,
As a cow without her udders,
As a lion with no teeth,
As a window without shutters,
As a door without a wreath,
As a Cupid without arrows,
As a Santa with no sleigh,
As a birdhouse without sparrows,
As a needle in the hay,
As a park without a pigeon,
As a fire without heat,
As a car without its engine,
As a heart that cannot beat,
As a duck without its bill,
As a possum with no pouch,
As a rod without a reel,
As a shrink without a couch,
As a clock without its hands,
As a suit that has no pants,
As a half-time without bands,
Or as Paris without France,
As tea without a kettle,
As a hen that cannot lay,
As an athlete with no medal,
As a childhood without play,
As a summer without rain,
As Bo Peep without her flock,
As a track without a train,
Or as Star Trek with no Spock,
As a gaggle with no ganders,
As a sock without a shoe,
So I tell you, Douglas Flanders,
Would I be if not for you!
