Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.
What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.
- Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4) - Honor His Wishes
Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4) - Give Him Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words. - Don’t Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy. - Emphasize His Good Points
Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8) - Pray for Him
Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17) - Don’t Nag
Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job. - Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20) - Smile at Him
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful. - Respond Physically
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) - Eyes Only for Him
Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23) - Kiss Him Goodbye
I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12) - Prepare His Favorite Foods
Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15) - Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking. - Don’t Complain
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14) - Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28) - Dress to Please Him
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house. - Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27) - Be Content
Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5) - Take His Advice
Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice. - Admire Him
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45) - Protect His Name
Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1) - Forgive His Shortcomings
In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35) - Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24) - Follow His Lead
If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Do these 25 things consistently, and your husband will never have trouble believing that fact.
UPDATE: After posting the above suggestions for wives, I received many requests for a similar guide for husbands. You can now find just such a list posted on my husband’s blog: 25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her. Read it and let him know what you think.
Also, for those who have requested printable versions of these articles, you’ll find the list for wives here and the one for husbands here, with an option to print either article in its entirety or as a one-page summary.
People are so stupid. Women are SO freaking whiny. How is respecting your husband and doing things with him in mind going to make you somehow inferior? Well gee hope you girlies don’t have kids, because with kids it comes naturally to do things just to make them happy. Does that make you inferior to your children? No, that’s ridiculous. God forbid someone give BEFORE they get. And then there’s you other whiners complaining about the title. 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your Husband. What the heck is so offensive about communicating respect to your husband? Oh wahhhh, he needs to communicate it to meee toooo or else this just isn’t fair and therefore I must put my whiny pants on! Put ME in the title to or else it’s not fair! I believe in political correctness because life is supposed to be FAIR!
No wonder so many men cheat on their wives.
I would say I am pretty much the definition of a strong, leading, strongly-opinionated woman. Guess what? I have been practicing ALL of these points for over a year now. I even “Defer to his wishes, and let final decisions rest with him” (unless he REALLY needs intervening or a little hint) because I am helping my husband learn to make good decisions. We are to help each other grow. Sounds pretty “two way street” and “equal” to me. And I’m only 22. Should be a prime specimen of the whiny generation. But I like having a happy, easy, loving, reciprocative relationship. So I GIVE before I get. Giving ENCOURAGES getting. Even if it didn’t, the world doesn’t revolve around me. And it doesn’t revolve around you, either. Giving doesn’t make you a backwards, 1950′s housewife. You can actually cook dinner for your husband without compromising your “feminism”. Which I always thought was a ridiculous term. “Feminist” are not feminine at all. I am feminine. I like doting on my husband, cooking him dinner, getting up before dawn and packing his lunch, taking care of our child. I get satisfaction by being accomplished. Not accomplishing things for MYSELF, but things that benefit everyone in my family.
But I suppose selflessness is also a regression to modern society.
You guys– I mean girls, have fun putting yourselves first, hope you can look back when your old and dying and be glad that you stood your ground and refused to give respect without first getting it.
exactly right!!! Ive been married 13 years and have to the best of my ability tried/done what this list promotes and I always get it back in return….i too find it very sad how nobody is willing to be the first to show respect and give respect, whining that they better do it also….i mean gosh, people’s hearts are so selfish these days, im embarrassed as a woman by all the whiners i see on this page. Their husbands must be so proud to stand beside their ranting wives. God help us if this is what the feminist movement created….a bunch of selfish inconsiderate childish complainers.
There’s a huge difference between mutual, loving respect in a relationship and this awful, awful list. It may as well have been written in the 1950s!
Respect in a relationship should go both ways and each partner should be equally supportive and considerate of the other’s feelings. It certainly doesn’t include a wife having to ‘only wear clothing her husband finds attractive, indoors and out’ and constantly smiling to please him, repressing her feelings so as not to concern him, never questioning is judgement, having dinner on the table every day always (this list makes no mention of which partner goes to work. If both go to work, it would be fair if each partner took turns in the cooking).
This list basically instructs woman to be perfect little porcelain dolls with no emotion beyond that of perpetual happiness and no purpose beyond that of home-making and tending to their husband’s needs, physically and emotionally.
A healthy list would encourage both husbands and wives to share their emotions together. So if a wife has had a bad day, she doesn’t feel she has to hide her distress under a smile, but can confide and talk it through with her husband, and visa versa. In a solid relationship, a husband or wife would not attempt to control their partner’s choice in clothes and limit them to only what they find attractive, or force physically affection on the their partner when one isn’t in the mood or is tired.
I don’t see how wanting mutual respect and consideration in a relationship is ‘whiny’ or ‘selfish’. It’s just wanting to be treated like an actual human being and not a house-slave! I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
omg… you rock.
wow! doesn’t the bible talk about having a vipers tongue too ? just saying
Has anyone actually read this? Yikes!?! While some of it is simple good advice some of it feels like it should belong in Romney/Ryan campaign. .
EXACTLY! The advice in this letter should actually be acted out toward any human you care about.
That’s why I’m voting for Romney and Ryan… Respect and Love should be in EVERY marriage. People who don’t believe this also believe a Woman’s “RIGHT” means to take away not only their Babies rights but their lives as well.
for an “Intelligent woman” let me say this… “While professing to be wise, they become fools…”
LOL
That was great! So glad to see a young woman who gets what being a true feminist is! You will do well in your marriage with wisdom like this…keep running this race
No reason to call anyone stupid or be offensive. Just because mommy never taught YOU that sometimes giving first without expecting anything back can be rewarding, isn’t an excuse for you to go on a rampage and be insulting. You’re still a baby that obviously has a lot to learn in life. Oh, and news flash, life isn’t supposed to be fair always. Just because mommy and daddy spoiled you growing up and made life seem like cotton candy and rainbows doesn’t mean that the world outside your front door was going to be the same. Hopefully you realize that before you teach your child the same thing, and then he/she becomes a person that has to be mean and insult someone to get their point across. I hope you start to think and analyze what you’re going to say before you say it, in this case, before you type it. It’s people like you who try to make a point about something, but because you’re so against the topic, you start to insult; (that, and your lack of vocabulary); and get people in a bad mood, or start an argument. If your comment was supposed to help someone, well it sure isn’t. That’s why mommy always told you “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all”. Relax, slow down, and most importantly take your time in life. Enjoy your husband and child, and don’t bring someone’s opinion or statement to the ground to make yourself feel better or because you don’t agree with it.
I have to say that I am extremely shocked to hear what readers have had to say about this post. Tips 3, 4, 16, & 20 are things we should do for all of our loved ones, not just our spouses/significant others. Personally, I am not a fan of #25, 24, 17 & 13. I was always taught to be a leader. I am extremely stubborn and argumentative. I will dress in clothes that I feel are flattering and are comfortable at the same time. And lastly, I don’t cook. I think it is best for everyone if I stay out of the kitchen.
However, #18 is my favorite because I actually enjoy cleaning and keeping my house clean!
The other points do hold a great deal of validity. And I agree with many of the other posts that both men and women/husbands and wives need both love and respect, equally.
Just so you know where I am coming from I am not a religious person. I married into a family that is EXTREMELY religious. That was not easy. I didn’t understand their deep Faith and Devotion. I just didn’t get it. And because this was new and scary to me I didn’t even give them a chance. This caused a huge problem in my marriage. 5 years ago I would have looked at this list and vomited. Now, however, because I have seen the effects of not following these tips I am eager to start following them and repair my failing marriage.
There is no need for name calling. This article is about respect and that is what we should be showing to EVERYONE; regardless of their belief system. Being the first to apologize, or doing something your spouse/significant other enjoys doesn’t make you weak or a slave. It makes you a good person. We shouldn’t do things for other people with the expectations of getting something in return. We should do things for others because we love them and we want to. You don’t need to be a Christian to understand this. We all need to agree to disagree and do what works for us.
Lacie, thank you for answering like that. Some people may not like the tone but it’s the first time I read someone defend the truths with so much courage and passion because they are worthy! so maybe there are better ways to say it but if you’re gonna get excited about something let it be a good thing. I’m proud to see your a young and good wife
It might be good for you to acknowledge that this is your personal choice in lifestyle. You find it a forfilling existence and that is fine. Feminism at it’s core was always meant to be in defence of a woman’s choice. Key word there being ‘choice’! You enjoy a life as a doting house-wife that takes care of the house and prepares all of your husband’s things, and that is fine. No one should criticise you for that. But equally, you need to appreciate that this is not a lifestyle that all woman want to have, so telling them that they should be just like you, is just as bad as someone looking down on you for not having a career.
Woman, like men, all want different things out of life. Some have full time jobs of their own, sometimes their husbands work too, sometimes their husbands stay home and take care of their kids. What is important to a lot of woman is mutual respect and co-operation. As I’ve said, you enjoy pulling the line at home completely on your own and it makes you happy, but it doesn’t work for everyone and every situation. People have different dynamics in relationships and instructing everyone to follow a list that only works for a relatively small amount of people, is ridiculous.
you guys are all ignorant i really hope you know that.
I should acknowledge that giving respect and being capable of finding self-fulfilment out of doing for others is my personal choice and lifestyle? LOL! You can get correlate all of that with being a stay at home mom, or a wife with a career, actually. Crazy. I know. I actually work from home. Have pretty full days. Still find time.
Okay guys, listen up! Just so you know, respecting my husband and doing for others is MY personal choice and lifestyle, but remember, it’s not for everyone!
Yeah….that kind of sounded dumb, I don’t think I’ll say it again.
In reading the comments that are attached to this list, there are so many women that think this is an outdated list and that women shouldn’t be “forced” into doing this. This should be reversed too. I would never feel like I’m losing my identity by deferring the final decisions to my husband (on big decisions), or like I’m succumbing to losing my womanhood by making sure dinner is ready when it’s supposed to be (and if it’s going to be later than usual I apologize!) Why would I feel like less of a woman by kissing him goodbye or admiring him? I love my husband and respect him immensely, why would I not want to show him that respect? Now he knows he’s not going to always come home to a beautifully put together house or wife, but he knows I try, just as I know when he’s home first he gets things done he knows I would want done. It’s about mutual respect, you have to give it to get it.
a few seconds ago · Like
I love this list! Especially important, I think, are bragging about him in public, with him around and without, and to follow his lead. I had some challenges doing the latter, and, when that was pointed out to me, I was quite taken aback. I didn’t realize I was not letting him lead. Of course, choosing joy is always important for creating confidence, in relationships and in life!
Love,
CarolAnn
I thought this was awesome. I am an educated woman, who had a successful career and left it to fulfill my calling as a wife and mother. I have never been more fulfilled and satisfied than I am now. I strive every day to be a good wife to my husband, and he is an amazing husband to me. We cannot expect to be treated with respect unless we also give it. I think it is a sad turn that some women want to quote feminism to criticize other women, and despise all that is feminine. Thank you for this list!
Bernadette
Wanting equal opportunities for all men and women (feminism) is not going against all that is feminine. Obeying your husband and carefully treading around his feelings is not a feminine trait. It is a subservient trait. People should remain equal in a relationship. Any relationship advice should be about ways in which partners can respect each other equally. Making this a list of rules all women should follow to obey and serve their men is EXTREMELY sexist.
Men and women ARE different. They have different needs. That is why there is a separate list for each. I have watched marriages fall apart simply because those differences were not understood. My husband sees me as just as vital a part of our family as I see him. But in the end, if we don’t agree and he gets the final say, I’m going to be proud to stand BESIDE (not behind) him in support… Not because I am weak, but because I have the STRENGTH to give my TRUST to someone I LOVE. Even when it is hard and when I don’t FEEL like letting go of control. Because LOVE is believing the best in someone. It’s having faith in them. It’s giving selflessly for them. And loving someone like that is NOTHING to be ashamed of!
Beautifully said, and I agree wholeheartedly.
I found this blog post via Pinterest and am so glad I did. This advice found me at just the right time. Thank you!
This is the most disrespectful and sexist list I have ever seen. As a male I am absolutely ashamed to be part of the same sex as the creator of this list. Your outdated beliefs that woman must do everything to please their husband is appalling. It’s time to stop hiding behind the bible and all of its bigotry and to accept everyone as equals. Your lord did not put women on this earth to be your slave, in fact there is no proof that your lord actually exists. My advice to you is that you should treat your wife with the same respect that you expect to receive. I suggest you get with the times and build some self confidence so that you don’t have to have your wife do it for you. I hope you burn in your imaginary hell, bigot.
Bryan, it may comfort you to learn that you do not in fact share the same sex as the author of this blog. As incredulous as it may be, this post was written by a woman — that’s my photo in the upper right hand corner
I’m sorry, I made the assumption that a male had to post this because I was under the impression that no one would degrade their own sex.
I honestly wish I had the time to stay home and be the person that this list envisions. (looking nice when he gets home, keeping a tidy house……etc.) It is a little more challenging to be all these things when I also work full time, I am also tired, I am also stressed and all of the same things that he is. That being said, we do pretty well on most of the things on this list together and that was your point. Both sides being respectful
. I think some people may have missed that.
Thank goodness for you Bryan! I read this post in abject horror and couldn’t believe from the comments that people who genuinely believe themselves to be educated, reasonable people AGREE with this sexist, degrading piece of filthy propaganda. And not just people, but WOMEN!
I love, honour and cherish my partner, just as he loves, honours and cherishes me. We have an equal relationship, not a master and doting wifey.
Uou people make me sick. We barely deserve equal rights if there still women as ignorant as this in the world.
Bryan, why are you so angry? No matter what you believe, hoping that someone “burns in hell” is a horrible notion. Even if you disagree with the content here, there’s no need to be rude.
Bryan is my boyfriend, and i showed him this piece of sexist propaganda because i thought there was a whole lot wrong with it, and he agreed. He isn’t angry. He’s educated. He is living in 2012, and women need to thank their lucky stars that men like him exist. Because without men like him we would still be forced to stay home instead of living out our dreams. I’m not saying that raising children is wrong, or being a free lance writer is wrong… I’m saying that with this mentality in this article women wouldn’t even be able to write their feelings. Think about it- the views described here are so sexist and colonial. It’s unbelievable that any woman would want to be subjected to such abuse… I mean, “dress to please him” ? How about dress to please yourself? I’m done. There’s no point in even trying to get through to bible thumpers. Come on, females! have some self worth! I just have pity for you and I certainly hope you can rise above the lowly household duties you’ve confined yourself to. Don’t bother replying, I won’t ruin your sewing circle with my edgey post-industrial revolution views. I must be kooooooky!!!!
There is something a lot of folks are missing here. This list was not written by a man. This is not a man’s list of expectations from his wife. This was written by a woman. She gave examples of how to show a man respect without actually saying it. These are suggestions, not hard, fast rules.
I think it’s funny that some of these ideas are just basic relationship rules — no matter what the relationship. When I worked in the corporate world, we took classes and seminars on active listening. When I had my massage practice, it was imperative that I listen to a client. It was called listening to the subjective. It gave me a good idea of what was going on with my client physically and emotionally. Why wouldn’t I practice active listening with the person I love most in the world?
Also, don’t nag. Do you want someone nagging you? I know I HATE it. So, why would I nag my husband?
Dressing nicely? Again, she has never said you have to be dressed to the nines or in lingerie. Have you had your bath that day? Have you combed your hair? Are you out of your pj’s? I hate to say this, but some women don’t.
I do have to say this list is probably geared toward stay at home wives but a lot of the suggestions can be given consideration by all.
Also, when I put these suggestions into practice, it’s amazing how my husband responds in kind. I start something, something good.
Instead of talking about how sexist it is, take a look at how you apply this to others in your world. If you do these things for others, why wouldn’t you do this for your husband?
Of course, these apply to a marriage that is already good. If you are in a bad relationship, most of this wouldn’t work anyway.
Bryan’s Girlfriend,
I don’t get it. Did you even read the 25? I would love to actually seriously understand what you find so objectionable. Is it “dress to impress him,” you mean you have never asked Bryan’s opinion on an outfit, how about your best friend have you ever asked her/him for his/her opinion on an outfit? If you read this same list in regard to how to be a good friend, would you object to the things on it? Maybe, the “respond physically” is the one that you have an issue with, because you don’t hug anybody? I am seriously not sure what the huge objection is, because, I have written it here on these comments before, but 85% or more of the items on this list are how you should treat ANYONE, basic respect. If the list said 25 Ways to Impress your Boss, 25 Ways to Honor your Best Friend, or 25 Ways to Care for your Children, you wouldn’t object to most of these things. Ask advice, don’t interrupt, smile, be thankful, don’t criticize, be forgiving, respond to their cues, follow when some is leading you…etc! I bet you do most of these things for your best friend, I bet on a first date you do most of this stuff (surely you think about what you will wear). So being married or in a long term relationship suddenly means you can disrespect and walk all over the other person? I am curious how long do relationships like that last? My marriage of 20 years has been filled with a lot of disrespect, but as we learn to love and respect one another, I find lists like this remind me to treat my spouse the way I want to be treated and that goes a long way. I want respect, caring, a kiss, things cleaned up (heck I would hate it if my husband left the toilet seat up and didn’t wipe the sink after he brushed his teeth, I am thankful that he doesn’t do those things) and seriously I prefer if he asks me if I like his striped shirt with his camo shorts (because eww). Shouldn’t I be willing to give at least what I expect? Don’t you expect Bryan to clean up his mess, kiss you when you are feeling frisky, respect your decisions, etc.? Maybe you object to keeping the house clean? For a stay-at-home mom, which is nearly half of the women who have children, cleaning up after those kids during the hours that your partner is working, is part of the job, just like it would be for a daycare provider (we can do at least as much as a daycare provider, I would hope a lot more). Never did Jennifer say to do all of the cleaning. Respect IS a two-way street, don’t expect it if you aren’t willing to give it. And although, you are not a Christian, those of us who are have made certain decisions based on our faith and our relationship with our God, these decisions look different for each family, but often include a stay-at-home mom and a working husband. Any stay-at-home parent knows that being home means that the job includes caring for children, basic housework, and making meals. My husband was a stay-at-home parent for years (when we weren’t walking with the Lord), so I know it doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, a Christian or not, if one person is at home and the other at work, cooking and cleaning go to the one at home. So, what else to you object to about having basic respect for the person you claim to love? Is it “resist the urge to correct,” look at the example Jennifer gives, seriously who wants someone interrupter every minute to point out inconsequential mistakes. I have an issue with word recall in the last several years, and I can’t stand when my teenagers want to give me a hard time over it. Who wants their every minor mistake pointed out! Lists like this one on “how to show a woman you care,” are all over the place, most of the time written by women. You want respect, but don’t want to give it. When you want to be put up on a pedestal and walk all over those you claim to care about, you do nothing to advance women’s rights. Being a high maintenance girl, with a whipped boyfriend, just leads to unhappiness anyway, because no guy lives up to what she wants. And any truly independent woman knows how to care for herself and a family. I don’t need my husband, I can take care of myself, but even if I couldn’t I absolutely know that My Lord and Savior will take care of me (as does any Christian woman). I want my husband and I have committed myself to being with him for life, because I want him I am willing to respect him and I certainly want him to know how wanted he is!
Bryan’s girlfriend,
It’s interesting how you feel like this list is so horribly demeaning to women and yet look how you addressed everyone as “Bryan’s girlfriend”. Isn’t that demeaning and sexist? Isn’t that putting yourself down because you are not your own person, you are Bryan’s girlfriend? Where is your identify in all that?
You talk this way because you don’t want to think for yourself. You think that you shouldn’t have to dress nice for your guy, he should like you for who you are and not how you look. And thought this is true at some level, how about you do a little experiment? You can’t tell Bryan you are doing this though.
Do the following:
Mess your hair up before he comes over. Don’t dress in nice clothes when he’s around, or dress frumpy. Don’t wear makeup and just be lazy. Don’t give him affection. Don’t pay attention when he talks to you. Be so self-involved that he doesn’t think he is there. Do everything opposite or what is on this list.
Then see how long it takes for his attitude toward you to change.
How much you want a bet you do more for him than you think you do. Because I’ll tell you, if you do what I suggested you do above, I bet you won’t be calling yourself Bryan’s girlfriend for long.
No, as Bryan’s girlfriend, you do all this stuff on a subconscious level because you are still in the dating phase. Once you are married, people tend to think they don’t have to “try” anymore. And that is what this article is about. It is about taking these subconscious things we do for people and make conscious efforts to show them the respect the got when we were first dating.
And quite honestly, you think that Bryan is going to agree with this article if he knows you don’t? Heck, that is like signing his own death sentence. I guarantee there is plenty on this list Bryan is secretly thinking, “That wouldn’t be so bad if Bryan’s girlfriend did that..” or “Bryans’ girlfriend already does that.” or “It would be nice if that happened more from Bryan’s girlfriend.”
But Bryan’s girlfriend won’t ever hear that if Bryan knows what’s good for him.
There is nothing on this list that indicates that a women doesn’t have self worth. What it does show is that a woman has enough self worth to be able to give herself freely to the man she married. She is secure in her own self to know that by giving herself completely to the man she loves, he will do the same in return. That is called confidence.
You must remember, she isn’t having sex with her husband because she is afraid of losing him, like I’m sure you might do with Bryan. No, she is having sex with her husband because she is wanting to please him and in turn have pleasure herself. She is wanting to get as close to him as humanly possible. She is wanting to dress nice for him because he is who is important to her and she wants to keep that spark alive. Unless you have been dating Bryan for 20 years, I’m sure this all seems foreign to you so I’ll stop here. But to think that you can be self-centered and be in a relationship isn’t really a relationship.
And yes, you are kooooooky.
actually she said that bryan was her boyfriend…. not that she was bryans girlfriend… just sayin.
I just had to laugh at the ignorance (on so many levels) of “Bryan’s” posts. Under your deluded notion of your own (clearly felt) superior virtuousness, you exemplified all of the negative traits that you accused the poster of demonstrating. First you state that we should “accept” everyone as equals. I am assuming that “treating” everyone as an equal follows your statement of “accepting” everyone as an equal. I must then conclude that your utter rudeness with which you directed toward the poster is an example of your idea of “accepting” the poster as an equal and that your idea of equality is treating everyone uncharitably. But, hey, at least everyone is being treated with an equal measure of rudeness, right? Oh, wait, you must mean that you accept everyone as an equal as long as they think as you do. Ooops! My bad! You then state that a wife should be treated with the same respect that a husband hopes to receive. The whole idea of the post is, essentially, about respect. Simply stated, do nice and thoughtful things for your husband and he will do nice and thoughtful things for you. And, doing nice things for your husband, because you love him, will make you feel like a million bucks. Why is this so shocking, sexist, and “colonial”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? (Oh, and by the way, I think you meant provincial.) It’s called, “Do unto others…” It’s called mutual respect; it’s called having a good marriage. Which you know all about, right? Because you’ve lived it for decades, right? All it’s ups and downs, financial stresses, lost romance and renewed passion, tired nights with puking kids, loving the once young and fit person who is now puffy and pudgy, but you love them even more now, and on and on. Really, when you’ve lived a marriage, dressing to please him is the least you can do. Frankly, dressing to please him pleases me because he makes me feel sexy and desired and loved and that makes me feel confident and strong. And, if you don’t, on occasion do that for the man you love then you’re either selfish, a slob, or lying to yourself. Most women, Christian or otherwise, dress for their men because his positive reaction makes them feel good. And, I’m fairly certain, the poster wasn’t saying you shouldn’t like what you wear, or feel good in it, etc. Additionally, your statement that “there is no proof that your lord actually exists” indicates that you’re a classical historian, too. Wow! Critiquer of pinterest pins and classical historian all rolled into one. I’m impressed. Clearly you’ve read the 1st century, non-biblical accounts of Jesus and discount the fact that nearly all historians, Christian or otherwise, accept Jesus’ existence. But, really, what do those buffoons, who’ve studies classical texts, gotten Ph.D.s in classical history know anyway? Finally, Bryan-the-educated, you have both misuse (yet ironically demonstrated) what a bigot is. A bigot is not someone who thinks that you should show respect to someone you love by, essentially, putting them first, as stated by Jennifer Flanders. A bigot is (Webster dictionary definition) “a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group with hatred and intolerance.” You have demonstrated your bigotry of Christians by your rude and intolerant treatment towards Jennifer and her post. Which, is her opinion, kindly stated, for readers to take or leave. She neither stated her opinion obstinately, intolerantly, or with hatred. Nor did she state that it was the only way to behave in a marriage. However, you statement that you hope that the poster burn in hell was intolerant of the opinions expressed, was obstinately expressed and was hateful. You are the intolerant, small minded bigot who really doesn’t believe in the equality that you profess. And, no, Byran’s girlfriend, you are neither edgy or kooky, you are a bore. You see, most of the posts that agree with Jennifer have been there and done that and we’ve not only tried what you’re expressing, oh so long ago, we’ve grown up and moved on. We are strong women. Life has kicked us in the butt and we’ve kicked back and childish comments like what you and Bryan have posted are ignorant, small minded (yeah, I know you think your view is so big and liberated. Talk to me in about 20 years when you’ve lived a little more), and tired.
jojo, You said, “actually she said that bryan was her boyfriend…. not that she was bryans girlfriend… just sayin”
You are completely right. My bad.
That’s much better. Instead of being sexist in one direction, it’s sexist in the other. It’s okay to demean Bryan because he’s a guy, right? Forget about his identity, right? Either way, if you take her stance on this whole issue, her labeling Bryan as her boyfriend or her labeling herself as Bryan’s girlfriend does the same thing. She sees Bryan as a great thing for women today, and if there were more men like him the world would be a better place. What she fails to see is that just because this list shows how women might want to consider respecting their husbands, she is presuming this is meaning that the husbands on the receiving end of this are demanding it or expecting it in anyway. That is a huge presumption in my opinion.
THAT was fabulous!!!
I 100% agree with you…this list angered me the more I read on…how awful. If I did many of these things or acted in this way, my spouse would lose respect for me, and more importantly I would lose a great deal of respect for myself.
yes I agree. My husband would not think I was special and worth anything, if I did not value myself, he would not value me. If I subjected myself to all these things, letting him make all the choices, clean his house, etc. That sounds to me like having a maid, not a wife…. A wife is supposed to be an equal loving partner.
” if I did not value myself, he would not value me. ”
I have a huge amount of self-respect and value myself a great deal. I don’t understand how being able to be selfless equates to not valuing myself. In fact, finally being able to be selfless has increased my self-respect. I am finally able to see beyond myself because I know that my husband has my back. Since I don’t have to worry about myself exclusively, I am able to look beyond myself and be less selfish.
right on. this is frightening.
Brian & his girlfriend,
First I love that men like Brian do exist!! Relationship should be about equality and marriage is about finding someone who is ready to go through that journey of life with you. This list is not only so out dated, but also so disrespectful to relationships. I used to think this was how women needed to be and this was how I was in my relationships, until I realized how un happy I was in my relationships. Once I got away from lists and bible verses of things I “had” to do and just started loving myself more and taking care of myself I realized a lot of these things just happen. 5 years of marriage, and I always kiss my husband good bye, even if we just had an argument, I take care of myself by going to the gym & dressing cute because that’s important to ME not anyone else. I work full time and so some nights I make dinner, some nights my husband does. If you don’t like negativity, then don’t marry someone who’s negative!! Stop focusing on doing things for your husband & just work to be a better person & list like this wouldn’t ever have to be made.
Thank you!!!
Just wanna say, because i don’t even want to read completely all the hate comment that you both got… That i totally agree with you, and your girlfriend. It’s weird to see how some people put all their effort into pleasing someone they never saw and aren’t even sure existed in the first place. This list remind of the ”guide to be a good wife” from 1955 … http://j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm … hahaha
I agree…….Alyssia! All I can do is LOL!
I should hope that if you are married that you treat your spouse this way. I am a woman, a very educated woman at that, and what you are saying is ignorant. Before you open your mouth try educating yourself.
Hear Hear!!
Well said!
Go Bryan! THANK YOU! Glad to see a man speaking out against this utter horribleness.
Bryan, not a slave but the scriptures DO call for women to follow the lead of their mate. Men are called to be spiritual leaders in their household. Now nowhere in the scripture does it equate following the leading of your husband does it say that she is to follow like a slave. This kind of following is different. More like a partnership.
I’ve read good chunks of both of these lists and I agree 100 percent. The problem with the world is we see having a servant heart for our mates as being less than what we are. In actuality it makes us so much more.
I know you don’t believe Bryan, but it takes a real man to set aside his pride and his self and serve the Lord and his family. After all, Jesus himself washed the feet of the disciples…something a servant would do. Jesus served others and so should we….our wives, husbands AND others.
change the name of the blog to “25 ways to communicate respect to each other” this is not just the women’s job. I am not by all means an expert at relationships, i also make my own mistakes by doing or not doing things that i should or should not do! Most of all this is just common sense, treat others the way you want to be treated, cater to your husband cause he caters to you, when your happy he is happy, listen and communicate in return he will listen and communicate, be thankful for each other, be affectionate towards each other dont lose the passion in the relationship. Admire each other, protect each other! If you love your husband/wife all of this is natural!!! Yes days you will have your arguments and isnt always as easy as these 25 tips that are listed!
the blog isnt outdated but it is not things that the wife should do for the husband its what you do for each other!- My opinion
Dear Heather,
I absolutely agree. This isn’t a list about placating a sourly husband – it’s about finding ways to love, respect, and please one another. I think Jennifer updated her original post with a link to her husband’s on how husbands can show love to their wives.
As a guy…I find this rather horrible. It just looks so antiquated. Perhaps I am reading this to be more extreme than it is meant, so I will try to clarify myself.
1. Choose Joy: Yes. Obviously any human being should try to choose joy over unhappiness. But don’t rejoice in everything – if he’s doing something stupid or being a bad person, TELL HIM. Seriously. We won’t stop being idiots otherwise.
2. Honor His Wishes: True, a relationship should be partially built on thinking that the other person’s opinions are important. But it shouldn’t be so one-sided; if you have a differing opinion or think something should be done differently, say it! And don’t make him the priority in everything, either, because girls need time to do their own stuff. Guys should honor girl’s wishes, too.
3. Undivided Attention: If you’re working on something when he’s talking to you, chances are he’ll understand if you’re only half-listening. Undivided attention is only needed up to a certain point with any human being, otherwise it starts to come across as obsessive and creepy.
4. Don’t Interrupt: Well…okay. I don’t have much to say on this one, because it’s true. But, again, a lot of relationships work differently, and if you’re finishing each other’s sentences more often than not it just means you’re following the same train of thought, which is a good thing.
5. Focus on Good Points: No. No no no no no. I mean, don’t make anyone’s bad points your sole focus, but you do need to pay attention to them and be aware of the bad things. That way you can work on changing them – but if those bad qualities are TOO bad, get out of there. Beauty and the Beast was a kid’s movie, not a lesson on life.
6. Prayer: I’m not religious so maybe this will be incredibly biased, but not telling your husband your concerns is a terrible way to run a relationship. If he’s a decent person, he will care about your problems and try to help you through them.
7. Don’t Nag: Oh dear. Look. Guys are idiots. We really are. If you don’t nag us every once in a little while, we won’t change at all. Don’t rely on some dude in the sky to do your work for you.
8. Don’t Take things for Granted: True. But if he takes you for granted, that’s a bad thing. A VERY bad thing. Again, keep things from being so one-sided in a relationship.
9. Smiling: Welp. I won’t deny that smiling is a good thing. Obviously don’t smile TOO much, otherwise it just gets creepy. But true, smiling makes the world a better place.
10. This constitutes rape, in my book. If you don’t want sex, seriously tell him. Any decent guy will actually understand. He might mope a little bit, but if he’s a decent individual he’ll get over it.
11. Oh for crying out loud…Look. We are human beings. We are judgmental creatures. We will always compare women with other women, and likewise women will do the same. If anything it is can be a good thing if we realize what our partner wants so that we can change ourselves – it shows us a different perspective. Besides, everyone needs a celebrity-girlfriend/boyfriend to jokingly fawn over.
12. I…whatever. I can’t think of anything really coherent to say about this one, so I’ll pass on it.
13. Meals: From the sounds of it, the way you do things is good: you take everyone’s preferences into consideration, including your husband. If you have a family with a husband and kids, it usually works to rotate everyone’s favorite meals (yours included) into the dinner menu, so that everyone has a meal to look forward to. Make the husband and kids cook one night, too, so that you can have a night to gloat in how awesome your own cooking is and ensure that they appreciate you, too.
14. Being close together does help strengthen a relationship even if you aren’t necessarily doing something together. Obviously, though, everyone needs their own personal space, too, so don’t take it to an extreme; if he’s working on something stressful or you just need some time alone, don’t force yourself to be near each other. Separation makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.
15. Everyone needs someone to complain to. When you’re in a relationship, this usually means your partner is that person. If you have something to complain about, go right ahead. The only time it becomes a problem is if complaining becomes the primary discussion topic with your partner, because then it’s just all based on negativity.
16. In the sense that they’re correcting waaaay to much, yes. Stop. But if they make annoying mistakes that are a bit more severe, go right ahead and correct them, especially if it truly means making the story or discussion more coherent. Again, we guys are idiots and make mistakes all the time. Correct us from time to time, and we might actually STOP making them.
17. Dress the way you want to dress, not how your husband wants you to dress. Guys know diddly-squat about clothes – well, unless we’re in fashion design, but that’s a different scenario entirely – so don’t feel obligated to dress in something uncomfortable just because we think it looks nice on you.
18. True, a house should be clean, but make sure you’re not the only one doing the work. If you get the kids and husband to do some cleaning, it makes them feel a bit more like they are truly a part of the house and are attached to it, not to mention gets us away from our computers and books.
19. I think this plays more into simply being content when situations are out of your control. If your husband or partner should have done something obvious to get him a raise or something, tell him! Seriously, we’re clueless sometimes. Another perspective can do wonders on a career or life in general.
20. Take his advice if it is actually something useful. True, sometimes us guys do know more than you might think, but again it all comes back to human beings being idiots. Sometimes people suggest things that really are just horrible ideas.
21. This comes off as a bit too much like puppy-love, which can only endure for so long. Based off how my parents act and how my own friendships have gone, a healthy long-lasting relationship is based more off accepting that person as a companion, and knowing that maybe they aren’t the most perfect thing in existence but that they can provide companionship and friendship more necessary than anything else. My parents will look at each other lovingly sometimes, but they aren’t afraid to give the other person a glare if they’re annoying them every once in a while.
22. If you’re bashing on your husband in public all the time, obviously that’s a bad thing. But don’t feel like you have to always compliment him or something. Seriously. None of us are perfect. If we’ve done something really stupid lately, tell your friends about it to vent your frustration. If he’s still a really great guy, chances are you won’t NEED to tell people that, otherwise it just comes off as bragging.
23. Forgiveness is a good thing, I won’t deny that. But sometimes people do things that you just can’t bring yourself to forgive, things that are unspeakably horrible. Maybe you can forgive them later, but don’t just automatically try to forgive everything. If he’s done something terrible, either get out of there or do your best to make things right again.
24. Arguments happen. They’re a necessary part of any relationship. And if you really are in the right, or your husband really is in the wrong…don’t apologize needlessly. Otherwise whatever you were arguing about will never be solved – it will just fester, like a wound, and show up even worse later on.
25. Geez this is horrible. A relationship is built on two people becoming as one: in order for that to happen, both of you have to have your own input. The way you word it makes it seem as if you’re just his puppet, following his lead and doing nothing on your own free will. Your husband isn’t God, he’s just another stupid human. Understand that, move past it, and work together to becoming a functioning unit.
Don’t take this as rude or hateful. I just think that the way this is worded comes off as horribly disrespectful to a woman’s individuality. As a guy, most of us don’t just want some sort of pawn who will obey our every will – that mindset was abandoned ages ago for most of us. Most guys want someone who balances them out, who is willing to argue and have differing opinions while still sharing something in common. Both a man and a woman should work together to forge a single, unified relationship in which both parties have input and are doing something productive to try and keep the relationship balanced, rather than one person doing everything to keep things in order.
There is no logical reason that a husband’s opinion should be more important than his wife’s opinion. The Bible is a collection of stories written by MEN thousands of years ago. It should have NO impact on our lives today.
And yes, I’m angry. Women fought for the right to vote and succeeded. If it were up to the bible thumpers, we would be magically transported back to the days before we proved we were equal to men.
Any woman reading this list should be angry. Anger is a natural human emotion. Anger is what wives should feel when their husband cheats. Anger is what wives should feel when their opinions are dismissed because some old book said that’s the way it should be. Anger is what a wife should feel when she is pressured by her husband to have sex when she doesn’t feel good or just doesn’t feel like doing it.
To not be angry is to bow down to the idea that you are less of a human being than your husband is. Let’s put it this way. This list reminds me of what radical Muslims would advise their wives to do. Luckily, here in American, your husband isn’t allowed to kill you for not following the list of rules.
Wake up, ladies! It’s okay to be yourself. That’s what America is about.
Being yourself does not necessitate being angry. For me, “being myself” means being nice to my husband and encouraging other wives to do the same. And yes, I am so thankful to live in America where I am free to do those things, as well as to read and believe the Bible, which rightfully has a HUGE impact on how many, many people live their lives today.
S.J. Wright,
As someone who has such an opinion of the Bible, you know nothing of what it says, and apparently are interpreting Jennifer’s words from a complete bias. The Bible never says wives opinions or needs should be dismissed, it never says that sex should be forced. It is quite clear that a married couple are to fit together like puzzle pieces and compliment one another. Have you ever done a dance, or watched a professional dance duo. It is quite beautiful to see the two move in harmony. Harmony involves a lot of giving of oneself. No relationship will work without giving of oneself. This list is written to women, who have been married and want a reminder of HOW to give of oneself, because far to often people stop trying once they are married. This list is the way to show respect to anyone, it is a list FOR women being written by a woman, so it doesn’t address how the man is to reciprocate but it doesn’t dismiss it either. In a relationship we can only change ourselves; if we aren’t constantly trying to better ourselves as a partner in a relationship, and all we want to do is take, we can never achieve that perfect harmony. You are filled with anger because you are thinking only of yourself and not of the partner in the relationship. Nothing in this list suggests women be walked all over or be treated as Muslim women are treated.
I’m in a relationship with a Muslim man and he treats me far better than this and doesn’t expect me follow rules or bend to his wishes in any way. He’s respectful of my sexual boundaries. He has never told me what to wear or what to think and he values my opinions as much as I value his. The majority of Muslim men are not extremists and do not treat women as less human. Its only the extreme few that are in the news that give the rest a bad name. However the majority of Christian men that I know expect women to be nothing more than smiling little objects with no thoughts or feeling of their own. The bible depicts women as less than men. Christianity is terrible for women and any woman who can follow these rules and claim to have any self-respect is either delusional or an idiot.
“any woman who can follow these rules and claim to have any self-respect is either delusional or an idiot.”
How very insulting. Also, so not true. I think this is all a case of “to each their own.”
I follow these ideas and I’m not Christian. Nor am I controlled, subservient, or any of the other adjectives that have been used to describe the women who follow these ideas.
I keep saying this but some folks just aren’t getting it — my husband does not expect nor require this from me. I give this freely. Honestly? I was single for a very long time and I struggled quite a bit. I don’t want “control” of this relationship nor do I need to “wear the pants.” I follow his lead willingly. It’s a much easier, nicer, happier life for me this way.
It may not work for you. It may offend your sensibilities. It doesn’t matter to me. For me, it works. If what you are doing is working for your, that’s awesome.
But, please, leave the insults out of this.
Jessica, this isn’t a list of demands a Christian man should have for his wife. It’s a list of ideas of how to show respect to your husband that women can CHOOSE to do if they wish. Once again… this is not a list of RULES, it is a list of ideas. No one is forcing women to adhere to a list someone blogged about.
You are far too angry…wow.
Best response yet!!!
Well said!
THANK YOU. Your rebuttal list is much better, as I was reading through the original one all I could think is that it was telling me I should drop everything of my own and only focus on my husband’s wants and needs. A relationship, be it romantic or platonic, needs balance and compromise to thrive. Constantly deferring to the other person in the relationship and forever putting everyone else before yourself will only leave you mentally exhausted and frustrated. It’s a lot of this kind of forcing yourself to pretend to be happy kind of stuff that leads to such high rates of depression and anxiety in women (and anyone else forcing them self to pretend everything is great and the problems they have with others don’t exist) And I won’t even get into how foolish it is to wait for god to change things in your life, if you don’t work toward things yourself they don’t happen.
this list is refreshing. I would call it “balanced”. It hurt me (a female) to hear you keep calling yourself (males)” idiots” …but then you did kinda bring it back around to all of humanity having a tendancy to be “stupid” at times (which is fair enough)…but this is what i see as being a sensible approach to a relationship.
I was saturated with lists/teachings the this one (original post) going into my marriage. Unfortunately for me i married i man (unknowningly) who has highly abusive tendancies, overly-sensitive ego, and much “entitlement” mixed with anger issues. (yes we were both born-again christians at the time…none of this surfaced until after the wedding day). I did EVERYTHING i could to follow a list like this and all it did was feed the monster. Things got worse and i got depressed, feeling stuck in a hell-hole but always choosing to “be joyful” and “only speak good of him to others” and “guard his reputation”.
The day I said “to hell” with all that dogma and TOLD THE TRUTH about my life to anyone who sincerely cared was the beginning of freedom and healing for me. It truly was a really good and right decission. Also getting help from “professionals” not just christian counselors/ who repeat the same rhertoric of “trusting god” “forgiving” and “submitting more/better”.
We are still together as he has taken some responsibility (taking part in a group for abusive men) and I am not financially independent based on our past “christian” lifestyle choices. I am currently working on bettering myself by doing things that help build my sense of “self”…understanding what my true “wants” and interrests are. Those questions did not even exist in my previous paradigm. It was always: “what do my parents want?”, what does God want?” and then “what does my husband want?” and then “what do my kids need/want?” To have someone ask “what do YOU want?” made me feel troubled because i had no answer to that question. I mean sure i had a few preferences in life, my personality wasn’t “dysfunctional” in the sense that I still had a will (a strong one) but i had been so programmed to “only” think of others in every situation when i had to think of “me” it felt like looking into a black hole. I’m happy to say that I am improving. Dreams are forming. I am feeling more confident every day. I leave my husbands issues and insecurity with him (as much as possible, it still drags me down sometimes) , but i DO NOT attempt to make him happy. I can do 25 things “right” and he will still find the 26th thing i’m not doing to go off about if he’s in the mood or feels sudenly (unexplainably) neglected.
I was only able to have the courage to make this choice (because yes going against the values you’ve been raised to believe are the only RIGHT way to do life does take courage…and talking of shameful things like abuse takes even more…)i was only able to find this courage when i looked at my kids and knew that if i wanted to mother them successfully i needed to find a better way. I think that if only i had been handed a list more like this commentor’s I could have saved my self so much heartache
and needless SILENT suffering.
excellent reply! my jaw dropped as I was reading the article and comments – it’s good to know there’s someone out there that has some sense!
Excellent – women do not exist to make men look good. People should support each other in relationship regardless of gender.
love this post, well said.
Hmm, I’ve read through a few of the comments and I can see both sides. Most of these are bible based, and being a christian wife I can appreciate that. But I think that the way most of the points are written comes across the wrong way. Reading this I feel like if I am not doing all this things just right, I am somehow failing as a wife. It doesn’t feel very nice, and I can see how people would lash out. And while a heaps of these are great suggestions, a lot I do, and more I will take on, others would not work for my husband and I. A few examples: we always do the washing and clean the house together, it’s both our mess and that’s how we do things. When I want my husband to do something I try to only ask him once. When he forgets (every time) he tells me I should have nagged him about it!? You don’t know how often I hear ‘You should/shouldn’t have let me do that/eat that’ when I am trying not to tell him what to do! When he is actually wrong, it doesn’t make sense to let him think he is right.. We have never had a real fight. Haha and #17 while I ask my husband what he thinks of what I wear, we both dress for comfort at home. Haha I don’t brush my hair and, (gasp), I don’t believe a shower every day is a necessary part of life. I also only use water to wash myself.. Plus I am the one who looks after all financial stuff etc.. So anyway, my opinion is that if these were worded a bit differently, they might be taken a bit better by people who do not understand the bible side of things, and people would understand that they are suggestions, and not feel like they are being condemned for not doing any of them..
this is the most ridiculous and sexist thing I have ever read. If this is what religion does to you I am very glad I am an atheist.
I can see where you could think this is ridiculous. I am a Christian myself, but may not agree with what other Christians see or do. We are different people and none of us can say we have it all figured out, or that any of us are perfect, etc etc… so PLEASE don’t judge all Christians based on what you hear from one or two or even more. I am a Christian but am NOT religious, there is a difference.
At first while I was reading this, my feminist red flags were going up. The way this post is written makes it seem like women should be submissive to their husbands. Then I took a closer look at the over-all message of the post and realized that most of these refer to basic respect for another person including spouses. A good majority of these things I do anyways, not out of some obligation, but because I want to make my husband happy and my husband wants to make me happy. The only one I completely disagree with is #25; my husband and I are equal partners, if there is a desision to be made then we are making it together. The reason this post seems so sexist is because it is only telling what the woman should do for her husband. If both spouses are doing the things mentioned on this list then it really isn’t sexist; it’s just respect for each other. By the way, I am pagan and my husband is agnostic.
In the update after the list, there is a link to “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her”. If you haven’t taken a look at it, you might find it interesting too.
Also, an unrelated thought that I just wanted to add to the conversation: I think most of us go to the trouble when dating to look good, be respectful, show affection, etc. to the men we date. Why should we stop just because we get married? Just a thought.
I thought this article was great. I don’t for one second think that I am doing an injustice to my sex because I feel that way. My husband and I are partners. We work together toward common goals. Most of these 25 things, are basic relationship expectations. Would I want to be seen in public with my spouse looking like a slob? Not at all. Why shouldn’t I dress nicely for him as well? In our relationship, we made the decision that he would be the bread winner and I would would take on the role of housewife. When he was unemployed and looking for work, the roles switched, I worked while he job hunted, and took care of the house and cooking.
Once again it goes to being a partnership. Change the Title to Wife, and see what response you get. 
Write,
You have referred to men as “idiots”, “stupid” and “clueless” at least 6 different times, if not more. So what I take away from that is that a man has to have a woman constantly riding his butt to correct him and point out his faults so he’ll be able to see how he should change. That’s asinine. While I know you were making a good hearted attempt to refute the author’s points, you have basically just summed up a large problem with our culture today: the feminization of men. Men should be constantly corrected by their women for their own good b/c they are “idiots” and uncapable of seeing their shortcomings on their own. This is simply not true. God did create us as equals in marriage, but with different roles to fulfill. As the man “wusifies” and the wife becomes overbearing to make up for lack of leadership, the roles start to reverse. The husband, used to being corrected, feels no respect. The wife, who is constantly correcting the husband, sees no results and gets resentful. At this point it’s only a matter of time before things go south, and may be un-recoverable. Men and women are not idiots, but we are sinners living in a broken world that advocates the wrong way to do things (especially in marriage) so the author’s points actually make the most sense, but they would b/c they are biblically based. I know you are not a believer, so some of this seems strange, but don’t let a woman treat you like an “idiot” even if you think you are.
I think I have some points I’d like to offer here. I have been blessed with a rock, solid, still crazy in love marriage for 39 years. There are three in our marriage which have kept our love aglow. The husband, the wife, and Christ. We each wear a ring engraved with “Each for the other, Both for God.” When marriages fail it would be because one or the other left out the third partner. What disturbs me about the sweet little wife to do list above is it is pretty one sided. The rules make it appear like it is a dictatorship…even legalistic. When a husband and wife love each other first of all, they wouldn’t need these rules, and it would come naturally for them BOTH to be considerate and loving toward ONE ANOTHER. I have five daughter’s , we raised them and watched their personalities grow and develop over the years. Now, they are grown young women. And to the three that are married, as a mother I can be grateful that my daughters’ can be good wives in happy marriages, and I can feel pleased that she has not lost who she is…in lieu of being a ‘good wife.
And the same with him. It goes both ways. Fairness. Respect begets respect. No rules needed.
#25 is not about control, it is about trust. Showing your husband that you trust him to make decisions makes a huge impact on him. When we have a big decision to make my husband and I discuss it at length, talk about the pros and cons, listen to each others feelings on the subject… then if I ask him to make the final decision he knows that I trust him completely to be leaving that responsibility up to him. There are also times when he asks me to make the final decision and I do. My husband is a smart man, who loves me and wants the best for our family- why wouldn’t I trust him with making important decisions?
Since you’re telling me my marriage will fail if I don’t prioritize my husband’s opinions, I best never read your blog again. He told me this list is atrocious, inaccurate, and offensive.
If your husband is offended by your reading this blog, Ali, then by all means cease and desist. If, however, it’s the ideas set forth in this post that he finds so offensive — the notion that a wife should value her husband’s opinion and honor his wishes being among them — then he has you in a catch-22. You could ignore his opinion and do as you please, but if that’s really what he would have you do, then you’re back to honoring his wishes, which he allegedly considers anathema. So I propose an experiment. Pick 10 of the 25 items on this list and do them faithfully for two weeks, then (a) see if he notices, (b) see if he minds, and (c) report back. Or not.
Thank you for your list, I have enjoyed reading it as well as the comments
some sad as they are. I am thankful for a list that does not tell me what I will get in return for doing each item, because my motives need to be Biblical and not selfish. As a Christian, educated, happily married wife and mother, I thank you for your time and perspective. It is the kind of article I need to read once a week to remind me of my husbands needs. (who needs to be reminded of their own needs, right?)
love it!
God sincerely bless you. I would many times over rather be married to a true woman of God as yourself than any of those hard women making hard comments. a man wants a loving, kind, spiritual wife, not a woman who is into what the world is all about. They are sometimes two diametrically opposed paths.
Wow I’m surprised by some of the reactions. I think that people have forgotten how to think for themselves. They are so used to having things shoved at them that they’ve built up a wall so that instead of seeing the love they see the way it could be used for the negative. People it’s very simple she wasn’t saying in all things like an affair and abuse be joyful but in everyday life be joyful as much as you can. Try not to mope around or be upset about everything. She wasn’t trying to say you must have sex every time whether or not you want to and so make it rape. I know for me I don’t want to a lot more than I do so sometimes when I don’t really feel like it I realize that I don’t really have a reason not to and it has been awhile so I accept and it turns out that I just needed some warming up. I do say no though when I really don’t want to so just be your own judge and see if your being lazy, something needs to be resolved in the relationship, or if you really don’t feel like it. If my husband told me no all the time my feelings would be hurt and I’m sure your’s would as well. I could explain each one to you but I really feel that you should be using your own brain and adjust her advice to your own life. Her words are the way she saw it from her life and she can’t adjust to everyones likes and dislikes. No matter if your a feminist or not this is a good list to show respect for a lot of men just don’t take it to the extremes that’s just silliness. This is not about your feminism no one is taking that away by suggesting ways you can show respect to the person you love and feel complete with and your feminist side is in no way affected by your displays of respect. Oh and another thing please remember that this was written out of love and respect and we can at least return that to her. Being on the internet where we are not seen does not give us the excuse to be rude and so unloving or unfriendly. Approach things with love in your heart not anger. Oh and as for the whole bible thumping shoving women back in the kitchen it’s untrue. Some people may believe that way but not all and in the bible God calls men to love their wives like he loved the church. How did he love the church? He laid down his life for it. If a man is laying down his life for his wife then how much respect and love would she get from him? Sounds like equal ground to me. Women love and respect your husbands, husbands lay down your lives for your wives. If they are leading and they are willing to die for me then I’m behind him and if he’s going off track I can let him know I’m not a silent by partner but as he loves me and again is willing to die for me I can trust him to lead me and to listen to me. Ok I think that’s it now lol. Thank you all
THIS IS SOOOOOOOO OLD!! women, respect your man as he respects you!!! times have changed, youre not a mans slave anymore!!! make him work for your love and you work for his! we all deserve it! im not saying we shouldnt cherrish our husbands, but lets get real, there is more to love than “obeying” rules!
AGREED!!!!!!
Also, I find it very interesting that the follow-up post to this is “how to show your wife you love her.” Not respect her. That list is pretty demeaning as well.
I’m proud that my husband and I respect EACH OTHER and hold our opinions to the same level. I’m not some blind sheep that follows his demands. And he doesn’t DEMAND that I do anything. Wake up, people.
this list is not saying anything about a husband demanding anything. i am certain that her husband respects her just the same. and I am also certain he holds her opinions at his level. and that he isn’t expecting her to be perfect. and that he doesn’t see her as his slave.
That’s right Jess, make sure you get respect FIRST! Don’t give respect unless you know you’re getting something in return! Oh by the way, would you like a cup of juice before your nap? You sound a little cranky.
This is possibly the most horrifying article ever. The fact that someone women will write this down and take it serious.
I find this ridiculous its the 21st century not the 18th women have opinions and they also work. I think it is an equal thing to make things work not all that biblical crap.
You are right Kellea-women have opinions, so why are you being so hard on a woman that is just posting HER opinion? That goes for the rest of you with negative comments. YOU have opinions and SHE has opinions. I haven’t seen anything from the author putting down anybody elses opinions or making derogatory comments about others religion. If she has, please let me know and I will retract my statement.
Wow, I have been married 30 years last week. I can tell you from experience because I have NOT done most of those items listed, my marriage is in trouble today. I have disrespected my husband in so many ways (no adultery) but other ways. I have caused problems where there was none. He was so dedicated to me, he was a husband that wanted to talk and talk about our feelings. He made us a family when we got married, I DIDN’T. He was my husband but I used him in so many ways with the encouragement of my mom and sister. They are both negative, jealous and hate everyone that is in my life and I didn’t get it. My husband is also the person that led me to the Lord and I can never thank him enough for that. So for the ladies or men out there that have a problem with the list, I feel for you and hope that someday you are not setting there being married for 30 + years and in trouble and wished you had thought about all of this. I wished I had all this to do over again and could go back and fix the damage I have done to my marriage.
But for now, I am trying to a better me, pray every day and work on doing the things on the list especially respecting my husband.
To give you an example of the disrespect I have shown him. My sister complained that my husband was disrespecting my brother in law which I never saw and I actually attacked my husband over it. Isn’t it a case of brother in law to brother in law or sister to sister. My sister and brother in law and with the help of me, made it between me and my husband. Talk about stupid on my part.
Sorry to ramble but I get so emotional over all the ugliness and waste.
I agree with Bryan/Bryan’s girlfriend! I think this would not be so offensive to me if it were called “25 Ways to Respect EACH OTHER”. there are some very good points that are necessary actions in a relationship. But to call it “25 Ways to Respect Your Husband” just seems wrong to me. Do what you will, we are all different in how we love and approach relationships…but I don’t like it…no ma’am not one bit!
One last thought, the counterpart to this is “25 Ways to Show Your Wife that You Love Her” or something like that….where’s the respect for the wife?! Why does she show her love and she shows him respect? Seems like both lists should be a two way street to me.
Amy,
Your question is perfectly legit, but like it or not studies have shown that the number one thing men want in a relationship is respect and the number one thing women want is love. Now, as Christians we believe that is how God made us, but even if you are not a Christian numerous studies and surveys point to this fact. So that is why the titles are what they are.
You are absolutely right, Rachelle. Here is something my husband posted on this subject:
“I’ve been around smart powerful women my whole life. Usually, they are awash in respect. Their talent, intelligence, and wisdom command it. They find respect wherever they go. Their employers respect their hard work and dedication; their colleagues respect their insights and integrity; their church and charitable organization leaders respect their contributions of time and resources to the various causes; their children’s teachers and coaches respect their involvement and commitment; even their neighbors respect their polite disposition and manicured yards. Respect is all around them; but love, that is something else entirely. It is not so easy to find and often even harder to keep. For a woman to be loved by a man — passionately, deeply, with all that he is towards all that she is — is a rare thing indeed. It’s an ephemeral thing that cannot be earned the way respect can. But it’s a gift a husband can give to his wife every day of her life, and when he does, it is both beautiful and magical.”
1) This article was written by a woman to women. That’s why it is directed to wives. Men who want to improve themselves and their marriages should be looking elsewhere, and they do.
2) Not only is she a woman, she is a *Christian* woman who respects and believes the Bible. If you don’t, it’s not necessarily directed at you either. If you find it helpful, great!
3) It’s “25 ways to show respect”, not “25 ways you had better show respect or else” (every one of which must be done by every wife in order to show respect). Do them all. Choose those that work for you and your husband. We all agree that respect is important.
4) And finally, a counselor made the following comment (which I have heard from other sources as well) on the author’s husband’s “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her” page :
“I don’t think the lists were meant to be the same, nor were the lists meant to be a reflection of one another. Did you see something in this list that means it is not important to respect your wife? Did you see something in her list that said it is not important to love your husband? If so, maybe I missed it.
“I counsel couples all the time. While some men talk about whether their wives love them, we do get more comments from husbands about their wives not showing respect. Two of the biggest is how she refers to him like he’s another one of her children, and how she nags him like he’s one of the kids. While some women talk about not feeling respected, most talk about a lack of connection, a lack of intimacy (emotional, but also sometimes physical), being disregarded in all sorts of little things (like the toilet seat, and him not turning off the television or not putting down the magazine when they’re talking).
“So I see these lists played out in day-to-day marriages. The type of direction the statistically average woman needs is different, too. On a relational level, about 80% of women can put a more general principle into action. On a relationship level, it seems to be between a fifth up to half of men seem easily able to do the same – they often want more concrete examples of exactly what to do (like “put your dirty clothes in the hamper”). Maybe the general population is different, but this is what I see in my office.
“Thus, when I saw these lists appearing so different and with such different themes and approaches, I simply chalked it up to “she wrote what she felt was important to her husband from the point of view of a woman” and “he wrote what he thought was important to his wife from the point of view of a man.” Pretty simple to me.”
(Part of a comment by Scot Conway, on August 29, 2012 at 12:55 AM. The rest of his comment has some useful information.)
Women need encouragement to respect, because loving comes so naturally to them. Men need encouragement to love their wives because that is what women crave – to be loved and cherished. No one is demanding action from you, its simply a list of suggestions to improve your intimacy. If you have perfect intimacy in your relationship, then great, if you dont, I like the try ten things and get back to us idea. Its not archaic, it’s about providing each other with what we desire in a relationship. Really, dont knock it til you’ve tried it. Not meant flippantly, just try it, both of you, and see how it works out.
This is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever read.
I totally agree HJ
So nausated by Jennifer’s opinions and all those that followed in that path of thinking. I thought it was a joke at first. Mutual respect Jennifer, That is what the article should have stated. Stepford wives are a thing of the past.
So have sex when he wants it, have dinner ready when he wants it, and be an obedient wife. Right. Got it.
You forgot one- only wear clothes he thinks you look acceptable in. ALL THE TIME.
I like this. I can’t force my husband to behave how I want him to (and there’s NO way he’ll go reading a blog looking for suggestions) so I really only have control over myself. I figure if I’m smiling, joyful, & affectionate and give a rip about myself, my house, & my family as you’ve so controversially suggested, it just might be a win/win. When someone needs to get the ball rolling in a positive direction, why not me?
why is this written by a women, surely this is from a females perspective and would be more accurate from a males perspective?!
While reading this I have to admit, initially I got angry. But as other people have pointed out, this is one woman’s opinion. If I look at these 25 items as a whole, I can see the general idea and worth behind them (most of them). What I find interesting is that so many people jump to defend the author and say that this was not written to offend or be sexiest or demean women. How do YOU know how she meant this article to be taken? Perhaps a controversy is what she was seeking, perhaps not. The author doesn’t seem to feel the need to defend herself – rightfully so, as this is a free country & she’s certainly entitled to her opinion- so why do you feel the need to defend her and attack people who are stating their opinions. Maybe you are trying to justify your actions to yourself. Most people who are sure of themselves and their choices do not feel the need to defend. You are your own person, if you love yourself and treat yourself with respect that feeling will be passed onto to the ones you love.
Personally, I believe a healthy, loving relationship is created and maintained through an equal partnership in all aspects. My 3 ideals in my relationship: Say I love you as much as possible, learn to forgive and love like there’s no tomorrow. Oh and you’d be surprised what a physical gesture can do in the heat of an argument, something as simple as a resting your hand on his or putting your arm around him.
The item that offended me the most was #25 – I understand the bigger picture behind it but what made me so mad was this phrase “Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him.” Now please tell me how this was not meant to degrade the thoughts and opinions of the wife – “Learn to defer to your husbands wishes.” Even if that means he is going directly against your wishes because he’s the MAN and therefore knows all and knows best (doubtful). I just feel the author meant that phrase exactly as it is written, otherwise she would have worded it differently. To me, this is highly offensive and degrading – to others this may work for them. Oh also, I feel this article was directed towards housewives. Simply my opinion of this article, just like this article is the authors opinion. I do find the multitude of reactions all across the board amusing, if the author was seeking a reaction she certainly got it.
I’ve been with my husband for two decades. I respect him, admire him and love him. I have no problem catering to him when I can because it makes me feel good to do something for him that makes him happy. I expect the same attitude from him. However, I couldn’t help but cringe at the idea that all important decisions should be deferred to one’s husband. That doesn’t sound like a partnership at all and, personally, that is what I want out of marriage. We’re partners-a team-why , if I unequivocally do not agree, would I just put my concerns aside? Why would HE not care about my concerns? Constantly putting your concerns and happiness aside does not make a good marriage. I was also disappointed that the author seems to assume that if you’re a wife and mother you are a stay-at-home wife and mother. Making sure the house is always tidy for him or dinner is on the table “on time” (whatever that means) is a antiquated idea-we work together to keep the house clean and make meals because we both work full-time. And I can’t even believe I read this one, “Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.” C’mon-that is seriously ridiculous. Just my opinion but a more balanced approach has worked for us for twenty years.
I agree and have practiced this to my utmost with being sure I fell short in a few areas. For the most part I did my part and gone beyond.
My second ex, who is not a believer, has undermined me to elevate himself to a third party. Has tried to control my time with friends to the point of confrontation upon which I could have called the police. He is mostly skilled at verbal berating and again tries to be my superior in intellectual disagreements. I’ve lost my trust in him that he has my back and that we are friends. We’ve tried a few times to reconcile only for me to turn and run at his sharp divisive words that pierce my heart. He is always sorry but for every advance he makes he sabotages it by his meanness sending the relationship backwards again and again. There is a certain love I have for him that I find difficult to relinquish. There are other details like he and I dated when I was 19 and sparks flew….circumstances separated us only to rekindle and marry 20 + years later. We are now divorced and I have refused his attempts to converse/talk or text because I feel like I be sucked back in.
I guess I am just trying to sift through the rumble and settle on some solid ground. Just sad.
PS He’s been living with his mom now for over a year. He’s not paying rent or utilities. That really is a turn off and a tell-tale.
Rachel, I hear your pain (have lived under similar circumstances). It sounds to me, without wanting to be harsh, that “that ship as sailed”. Get your self some therapy to gain healing and perspective on your abusive marriage and I think your decision to protect yourself by ignoring his advances are very wise. Listen to your inner wisdom…even when it is hard at first. I can tell you for sure…this kind of advice (in original article) are a death sentence to abusive marriages. There is never any list of things you can ‘do better” that will make him stop abusing. you deserve respect, trust, and a fresh start! <3
oh doll, thank you. this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. <3
To respect your spouse, you must first respect yourself and demand respect from them as well. There’s a huge difference between respecting someone and stroking their ego. This article makes no distinction between the two, which is bothersome. I do agree with some of this list. However, it’s written in such a condescending manner, it’s difficult to take seriously. I am not my husband’s servant, I am his PARTNER. When you become one, you are on the SAME LEVEL of authority, which indicates an EQUAL partnership. We both mind our home and each take care of the responsibilities that fit our strong suits. For instance, I’m better at managing our finances, so I handle the budget. If I relied solely upon him to manage our money, things would not be pretty. I suppose according to your list, I’d have to submit to every decision he made and accept my financial ruin joyfully, never questioning or stepping in as a voice of descent and reason…That sort of notion is counter-intuitive and ridiculous. When you love someone truly, you love them enough to recognize their struggles, lighten their load, and be the backbone at their weakest points. You also love them enough to be HONEST with them. I’m not going to sit quietly and watch my husband make mistakes that are detrimental to our future to protect his ego, that would not be loving in the slightest. Instead, I’m going to gently make suggestions in a respectful, kind manner and steer the boat back into the right direction.
Essentially, I make up where he lacks and in turn he makes up where I lack. It isn’t a perfect puzzle, but in my ideal world that’s the way I believe every relationship, romantic or otherwise, should function. We both make compromises and agree, which is also important. One spouse should not be making all the compromises and bending to the other’s will. That’s a miserable situation for both parties involved. A marriage should never be favorable to one spouse only. I think another thing that is imperative is to have a sense of humor and laugh with each other.
I read the other list in regard to a husband’s duty in showing love as well and both lists are certainly uneven when compared. I believe both spouses should be expected to do fulfill the same, exact needs for one another. This is the only way to avoid one spouse feeling cheated. You shouldn’t have to swallow your fate in a pill and put on a smile to deal with it. This of course is my opinion, but I also recognize there’s a reason many 1950′s housewives were sneaking brandy every chance they got…It certainly wasn’t because they were happy being totally subservient to their husbands all the time either. I value my husband and he values me, but neither one of us has to submit to the other and “sit pretty” as it were to do so. It doesn’t make sense and it isn’t healthy. Just because something APPEARS ideal, doesn’t mean it’s actually a good thing inside and out.
If we’re strictly adhering to the Biblical standards, then you forgot the part about going off into the wilderness away from your husband for the duration of your mensuration cycle…: )
Thank you for this list. I especially liked that you gave scripture references. The Word of God, the Bible, is the standard for truth.
My husband read the companion article and was very blessed.
And If that list is too long to feel good about, the two MOST important things to remember are: 1) Show up naked. 2) Bring food!
Been married for years. That works every time!
Wow.. This comes straight out of the fifties, when men could beat their wives for not having dinner on the table on time, could come and go as they pleased, and were never expected to have to answer for their actions or decisions.. This is written as though ALL men are good men, and the sad fact is, they aren’t all good men.. I honestly think this is a joke.. It has to be.. I read your husband’s list as well, and I just have to say, “What a crock”.. If this works for you, great.. This is YOUR interpretation of what these scriptures mean.. In the old testament, the word “wife” actually meant SLAVE.. There was no LOVE between a husband and his slave.. Marriages were bought, and the “wives” simply learned their place.. That sounds like what you’re spewing.. Know your place, don’t question your husband’s judgments.. Just be happy being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hanging on his every word.. o.O
Someone seems to be stuck in Little House on the Prairie times where women were maids, cooks and sex slaves.
I just want to point out that these twenty-five guidelines for respect are written by a Christian wife. These guidelines come from an understanding of God’s selfless love for us. It makes sense then that those who aren’t Christian wouldn’t understand or fathom why to take these into consideration in their relationships. They don’t understand why a person/woman would put someone before themselves. They believe putting themselves first makes them stronger and more independent.
There is no argument here. Those who believe in God and know of his great love for all would see these suggestions as a kind reminder of how we love each other. Those who don’t believe look through eyes of unbelief to see a “ridiculous” list.
My prayers go out to those who do not know Christ, who gave up his life to pay for all the bad choices and wrong things we do, so we can gain eternal life through his resurrection.
I really have to point out that being Christian has NOTHING to do with putting others before yourself. I do it all the time and I’m not Christian. You’re assumption there that one’s religion somehow makes them better at this is incredibly ignorant and downright offensive. I constantly put the needs of my husband and our friends and family before my own because it is often the right thing to do and I love those people so of course they come first, but not in all things because I also realize that what I want and think does matter and that my husband married me because of who I am as a person, not what I can do for him and not so he has something pretty to blindly do all he wants.
This list is pretty oldfashioned sexist. It’s one thing to put others before yourself and it’s another to make yourself what someone else wants, to throw off your own identity in favor of servitude to the likes and dislikes of another person. In fact, doing so you’re not showing respect you’re showing servitude which will only make your significant other take you for granted and lose respect for you.
To be sure some of these are just fine in moderation but the manner in which this was written really just says ‘what you actually want doesn’t matter, only his opinions and wants do, even when he’s wrong he’s still always right.’ The real key to a strong relationship is balance, equal respect and a sharing of life’s tasks.
Above all though, you can’t respect others if you don’t respect yourself.
I would first like to point out that since you are not a Christian, that you can’t really comment appropriately or correctly about what a Christian is like or what being a Christian is all about. I believe it is offensive that you are not allowing me to have my own opinion. I have the freedom to believe in my God and you have the freedom to believe or not believe whatever you want. I will not condemn you for whatever you choose to believe.
My comment referring to not understanding selflessness was a broad comment. I am glad that you abide by a moral code that says you should put the needs of your husband and children first. What I am saying is that you live by different thoughts and beliefs. Those beliefs make you feel like these guidelines are sexist and that people who would use these are showing servitude. That is the difference. Your interpretation of the list is based on your belief system. It’s clear that this list isn’t for you. I am simply stating that these guidelines are here to help Christian spouses love each other how God wants them to love. So if that doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to follow them.
I’m sorry that my post made you feel like arguing. You are right in the fact that couples need to keep a relationship in balance with respect and the sharing of tasks. There is a parallel list of guidelines available for husbands. I am not a perfect person, but I continually strive to be the best wife I can to my husband while still fulfilling the individual goals and plans God has for my life.
Very well said!
Whoa there, take a step back. I never said anything negative about being Christian or anything about what it means to be Christian, I’ve no issue with any person’s religious choices and feel that everyone is 100% entitled to their own beliefs (as long as they aren’t taking away the rights of others.) I had a problem with you saying that someone who ISN’T Christian can’t understand what it means to put others before them self exactly BECAUSE it was a broad statement which, quite frankly, puts Christians on one side and everyone else on the other.
Then I just sort of went on a tangent about the actual post that was less directed at you and more just my general feelings about the way the article is written and it’s overall tone. This part should have been in a separate post rather then in my reply to you so sorry about that.
” These guidelines come from an understanding of God’s selfless love for us. It makes sense then that those who aren’t Christian wouldn’t understand or fathom why to take these into consideration in their relationships. They don’t understand why a person/woman would put someone before themselves. They believe putting themselves first makes them stronger and more independent.”
That’s a little insulting as well. I am not Christian yet I follow these guidelines. I do understand why I put my husband first — it’s called selflessness. I don’t need religion to tell me that. Some people, even non-Christians, are nurturing, helpers, people who enjoy taking care of others.
Thank you for sharing this list. Always a good reminder of how to treat one another. I have a very strong personality and it is difficult for me to not sometimes “steamroller” people, including my amazing husband.
While the list should be a two way street, I am only in charge of my own actions. To me, it’s a lot like forgiveness, it’s not always for the other person. Sometimes kindness actually makes life better even for you. 
Thank you again.
My 35 yr marriage only has one rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.
Not everyone follows a religious or spiritual dogma. We have mutual respect for one another.
Whatever works.
Jennifer,
i have been married 10 months, 2nd marriage. All of these, word-based “tips”, are in line with God’s word to wives to “respect your husband”. That was not a suggestion, it was a command. You have helped those of us who Googled, “what does it mean to respect my husband.” When people get honest, they don’t really know what true respect looks like. How many of us took “Respect Your Husband 101″ in college? I did not practice ANY of these during my first marriage and it ended 11 months after we married. I never even celebrated a first anniversary. But, I know these are all good ways to “practice” respecting my husband. People show more respect for strangers than their own spouses. And I don’t understand the flack over #17. That is one of the easiest things in my marriage. My husband adores my body! He buys clothes he likes to see me in. Clothes for home, church, and work! One thing I shared with him not too long ago is how I do not feel comfortable being in gym clothes when he comes home and I’ve been home all day. It doesn’t feel right. Our intimacy level compels me to “respect” him in all these ways. Thank you for the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Be blessed in your marriage. I am.
Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion
Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 10:8 The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin.
Psalm 14:1-4 To the choirmaster. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
I agree with the blog. But I don’t agree with the fact that the Womens is to show her love. Yes it is very imoortant to show her love of course. But it always seems to be women need love and men need respect. But it’s completely not split like that. Men need respect AND love. And women need love AND respect. In fact, love that you should show your spouse, like that love of God, should automatically have love built into it. So in total, LOVE.
As a guy, I just want to make it perfectly clear that this is a load of crap… In a relationship, I don’t want to be catered to and slaved over. Women who are independent, intelligent and confident in their own opinions and beliefs and who are willing to challenge their significant others and expect to be treated as equals are so much easier to appreciate and respect than women who act as sycophants and live only to tickle men’s egos.
This is disgusting…
This is a very powerful list. Yes, woman should respect their husbands; and also,men should respect their wife too. Imagine you have an abusive husband, should a woman continue to show him all this respect. I’ve found this verse
“1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Its posts like these that make me sick to my stomach. Utterly ridiculous
I was not shocked, but saddened to see some of the mean comments on Jennifer’s blog. Too many women out there apparently think that they are diminished when they give something to someone else…don’t they realize that giving makes you a bigger person? I thought all the ideas were great. I wonder if some of the critical ladies out there have ever tried some of these ideas….you might be surprised to find your husband reciprocate!
While this list might be great for a woman whose husband treats her with the same amount of respect.
However, as a womans advocate who works with survivors and victims of domestic violence, I would like to point out a problem with this list. Time and time again women have told me that while they try to respect their husband and follow similar rules it does not giveaway to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I have countless examples of women who desperately try to respect their husband by making dinner, allowing him to make decisions, dress the way he likes, not complaining, complimenting him, providing sex whenever requested, and protecting his good name, yet without fail no matter how perfect she is it will not prevent him from berating her, raping her, or breaking bones and leaving bruises.
It would be a shame if a victim of domestic violence were to get ahold of this list and believe that because she wasn’t ” respectful” enough to her partner, she deserves the abuse she has been receiving.
October is domestic violence awareness month.
1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime.
1 in 3 women will be raped by someone that is close to them.
Everyday 4 women die at the hands of their abuser.
Please support the women in your lives who in the eyes of their husbands are never respectful enough to be spared the emotional and physical lashings.
For more information on domestic violence please check out “Why Does She Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft and Helping Her Get Free” by Susan Brewster.
All I can say is half this list don’t work well for a mom of six kids who also has a full time job! Dinner is hardley ever ready when he comes home. I will not say I’m sorry for it, he gets home before me, if he don’t like it he should have made it himself. Marriage is an equal partnership, in oder to make it work, both people need to respect each other, help each other, and support each other. It is not a let me sit back wait on you hand and foot, take care of the kids, while you sit and relax. I did read the otherlist for men and feel the same way. Yes do we need some extra help and this and that of course, but what we really need if for you guys to come home from work just like us and do the things that need to be done ( dinner, kid stuff, house stuff) with us. Not just some, but an equal part so will have family time then alone time together. It is 2012 and most families have to have two working people to make it!
I think a lot of times in our culture especially we (women) feel a need to protect ourselves form being taken advantage of. Historically women have been undervalued and mistreated, but should we let that color our behavior for the rest of time? Times have changed and so have the men. I have been guilty of this behavior myself. Not long ago, a woman I really respect (she has a great marriage and wonderful children) she made a comment during a sunday school lesson about the key to a happy marriage is putting our spouse’s needs above our own. I found myself thinking, “FALSE!” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that selfishness (which is the root of this attitude) is an enemy to happiness. Hopefully the man you have chosen to be your life companion is a righteous man who wants to do good. If he is, then you will find that if you spend time trying to lift him up that he will do the same for you! Being treated well, makes you feel good and increases your feelings of love and warmth toward your spouse. I will be forever grateful for the advice my husband and i received on our wedding day. An older man who had been happily married for 45 years advised us to take time EVERY week to tell each other 5 things that we love about each other, the rules are you have to think of new things every week. I was amazed to see how this simple act changed my perspective on my husband. I found myself looking for the good in him and appreciating him even more than I had before (and we were newly weds, I was already in head over heels blind love with him). Over the years we have continued to take time to appreciate each other every week and have been blessed with additional love and appreciation for each other’s strengths and forgiveness for each other’s weaknesses. So in summary, trust your spouse to return the respect and love that you offer him! Don’t be afraid to put him first, you will find enormous joy if you do.
It is so weird to me that women think that showing their husband respect somehow makes them weak or controlled. I have been married for 23 years to a husband I have a great deal of respect for and him for me. We both try to practice many of these points, and for the most part are pretty successful at it. There is nothing wrong with putting your husbands needs before yours sometimes, because in a long marriage he will also have to do the same for you. For all the people outraged by this list, don’t do any of them. For those not sure, try a few. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
But you show it to each other. This list is about being a Stepford Wife. I am not subservient to my husband. We are EQUALS. We love, respect, and pamper each other. It isn’t a one-way street.
I wish I could go through and respond to each and every negative comment about this post. I’m marrying the love of my life next year and am loving reading all different ways to make our marriage as strong as possible. This list is filled with wonderful suggestions that I have found in different words in many books about marriage.
I do not find the list to be demeaning in any way, as it is only suggestions of how women can show respect to their husbands. My fiance and I have had many conversations about what we feel will help us have the happiest marriage we can. He values my need to be loved and cared for and I value his need to be loved and respected, and we both value communication as a way of continually understanding each other.
As for the points that people seem to be getting so worked up about:
Honor his wishes: This does not mean you always have to do what he wants!! It is just suggesting that when you honor what means most to him, he’ll feel respected. And when men feel respected, they feel loved.
Respond physically: In no way is this to be taken as allowing your spouse to “rape” you!! Men are biologically inclined to be more physical than women. This point, in it’s context, asks women to remember this. Physical touch is so important in cultivating a healthy relationship, yet all too often women only recognize what they are in the mood for. But it can be such a great thing to also consider your husband’s mood and respond positively to it!! Maybe not always, but when you do, he will feel respected.
Dress to please him: Women, think about it, would you appreciate it if your husband dressed like a slob? Or wore those pants that you absolutely cannot stand? NO! You may allow him to, but him doing that will not make you feel loved or respected. I greatly value my fiance’s opinion when it comes to what I wear, because I love knowing that he likes what I’m wearing. And I also enjoy taking care of myself, partially because I want to look good for him, but mostly because I think it conveys a respect for myself!! So when I dress to please him, I am also dressing to please myself. I would never wear something I didn’t like, but it’s a bonus knowing he likes what I wear.
Keep the house tidy: She says, “to the best of your abilities.” She does not say, “always have your house spotless.” She also does not say, “do all of the cleaning with no help.” My fiance cannot stand messes, therefore I try to keep things quite neat. Does this mean every surface in my home is cleared off? No. But it does mean that I can make more of an effort to do something that relieves his stress. And if he feels something needs to be tidier, he does it! But he still appreciates when I tidy things for him, even when it isn’t quite to his standards.
Take his advice: She does not say, “always take his advice.” She says, “do not dismiss his opinions lightly.” I’m sure all of the women leaving negative comments on here hate when their opinions are dismissed, so doesn’t it make sense that a man will feel respected when we give weight to his opinion? Even if we don’t take his advice, I think it speaks greatly to a relationship when we can show that we considered it and only after a lot of thought came to the conclusion that a different route was better.
Follow his lead: This is not meant as advice for those decisions that should absolutely be made as a couple. What this point does convey is that a husband would feel greatly respected if his wife showed that she trusted him enough to be the final decision maker.
I could speak of all of the other points, but that would be quite the comment. So lastly, I just want to point out the title of the article, “25 Ways to Communicate Respect”. This is not a list of must-dos, this is not a list of things that if not done will make a marriage fail. Relationships are a two way street, which is why husbands should do everything in their power to show love and a mutual, albeit somewhat different, respect for their wives. This list was meant for women, so those that disagree are not recognizing that there are lists out there that are filled with ways husbands can cherish their wives.
Though I fail at some things on the list, I think it is filled with great reminders of how wives can interact with their husbands to strengthen a marriage.
I read this list this morning as my husband was leaving to work out of town 6 days a week to provide for our family. He works a dangerous job,most would not even consider working in his industry. As I read the list I was mentally checking off to see if I had missed any of them while he was here for the short 36 hours that he is each week. I found y post uplifting and encouraging. I am printing it off as a reminder everyday to do things as if he were here so that I will honor him even in his absence so that our children will see me respecting him. I also read over the men’s list, I found it right on the money and pray that our children will have marriages that are biblically based and sound!!! I love being a Christian wife even though so many degrade me for doing so. I will continue to do so even with the nasty hate mongering, my family is very happy, not without its struggles, very happy non the less. Our children see 2 loving parents who want to please one another and are happy to do what is needed to make that happen (without sacrificing self) which is NOT what this list speaks of doing!!! Thank you Jennifer!!!
Thank you for an amazing article! I’m so convicted, I think I will have to focus on one or two areas at a time to keep from becoming overwhelmed.
I do a lot of these things but to make them rules is completely simpleminded. A husband needs a partner. You need to have mutual respect. To say if you follow these simple rules and never let your feels show is asinine.
What about the women who work AND raise a family. Should we rush home and make sure everything is spotless before our “masters” come home?? NO- a marriage should be equal. In my household we both cook, clean and take care of our little one. It’s 2012 and I truly feel sorry for the women out there whose husbands treat their wives as if they are beneath them. I am so thankful I married a modern man who treats me so equal.
I’ve never been so proud and justified in being an atheist.
i don’t understand why people who disagree even bother to read this. What are they doing on this site to begin with? everyone has a right to an opinion, but why bother being so negative and mean? if you don’t like the page then don’t visit it. very simple. i, for one, LOVED this. Thank you!
This is 2012! Both of us work. So I am expected to always have his favorite meal ready and always have the house clean when I work too? Please. We both clean and take care of the kids in our house. I came on this site to get good advice, not advice on how to act inferior to your husband, become a slave of his and smile!
Reread the article, your comments are completely inaccurate if you actually read her descriptions of the points.
I think unconditional love should be added to it too
My man tries SO hard to please me at all times in every way and sometimes he messes up and sometimes they’re big mess ups and the look on his face of “I failed you” can break anyone’s heart. I could yell at him for being forgetful and stupid or for not paying attention, but he already gets that. I love to tell him I love him and we’ll fix it or re plan something and everything will be fine and the look he gives me is heart melting. I feel the divorce rate is so hi because people forget the vows they made to each other. Or they are too self absorbed. I said he was ‘the one’ for a reason. I made a promise and I try and do this for him daily. I love how you were able to put it into words what a man needs because they sure can’t 
And I find that if I do what I can to respect, love and please him, I receive the same. If people stopped worrying about what they’re going to get out of something and just loved for the sake of someone else’s happiness, the world be so much happier.
Jennifer,
Thanks for writing such an incredible blog
Both my parents and my husband’s parents have gone through tough divorces this last month and a great majority of the mistakes they made could have been avoided if they just both followed this advice. I look forward to more of your posts and advice.
I’m going to add my voice as well. This is one of the most sexists, and ridiculous thing I have ever read. Always making sure to dress how he pleases? Always responding positive to sexual advances even if you don’t want it, THAT’S CALLED RAPE CULTURE. Making sure dinner is ready right when he gets home? Letting him make all final decisions?!? Things like this are why we still need feminism today. Marriage isn’t between a dog and her master, marriage is between a man and a WOMAN. You can be a good wife/husband/partner without undermining yourself. You can be a good wife and still have your own mind!! This list, and the support its received makes me sick to my stomach.
oops- When I said marriage is between a man and a woman, I was just trying to emphasize that women shouldn’t have to feel less than themselves in a relationship. I believe in equal marriage.. just want to make that clear (:
These comments are hilarious! This list could help many women improve their marriages and thats coming from someone who was raised by a feminist and does believe in a woman’s right to choose and all the rest of it. I am also married and have learned that equality doesn’t mean splitting everything 50/50 and striving for “equality”. No, it means acknowledging that men and women are equal in value but not forgetting we are different and have different needs. And I know that being generous and showing respect will improve any relationship. Its ok to be nice to your husband! Feminists wanted women to be equal in value in society, not become men themselves. Man, people are screwed up these days, aren’t they?
While some of the items seem to only be there to preserve gender roles, like cooking and cleaning, the rest seem like pretty valid advice, which should be reciprocated by the husband. I’ll be honest, when I came to this article I only read the url: “25 ways to communicate respect”, and I was surprised to find that it was intended for the wife only.
If you consider it advice for anyone in a marriage, it doesn’t really seem that unreasonable?
So Aubrey, since I appreciate this list and by taking these things and applying them appropriately in my life I am much happier, I am in need of some “feminism”? Pretty sure I still have my own mind, looks like yours has been taken over by the American culture…Didn’t know making the effort to have sex when I’m tired but hubby is in the mood was considered rape, sounds kind of kinky to me, maybe it’ll help with that particular point! Lol!
Thank you!l will follow till…..
I’m getting married in two months and I really want to thank you for this great advice. Keeping these tips in mind will help me to build my relationships with both God and my husband.
Very perfect
I think women might be offended because they’re assuming the article is saying that women should do for their man and not expect the same in return. I’m assuming the writer could have titled the article 25 ways to respect your wife. Love is a two way street–both husband wife need to respect each other.
I don’t wear make-up daily (or often at all, because I have terribly oily skin), I am sarcastic, and I am definitely not a Stepford Wife.
If I was suddenly “joyful” to make my husband happy, 24/7, he’d think I’d completely lost my mind.
I dress for my own comfort and flattery, not to please him.
I am a human being, and my husband loves me for me. I am not an extension of him, I do not exist to cater to his whims. I love him, respect him, and we pamper each other. You know what? Our relationship is awesome.
I fail to see why the husband has the final say on everything. Does the penis grant some sort of magical decision-making power?
I can see that this post sparked some controversy, so let me just preface this by saying that I genuinely feel it is important to respect your husband. I am a Christian woman, I try as best as I can to follow the Bible’s teachings on marriage. That being said, while I agree with the main “points” as they are listed, the descriptions of these points are deeply troubling.
I find them lacking in communication (you should absolutely discuss ‘the negative things’ with your husband… that is called accountability. It is a Biblical principle. I would ask him to do the same for me!) as well as being somewhat emotionally repressed. We can do all things through Christ. But it is a grave misunderstanding to believe that we can zip our lips, hold it in, and be molded into the women God created us to be. Instead, we need to find HEALTHY ways to express our feelings/ thoughts/ moods and ask for grace when we are expressing them in unhealthy ways. (The Bible is full of illustrations of emotional expression. It is healthy, necessary, and a part of being who we are.)
Unfortunately, the “Christian” women who are flinging insults and such via the comments are doing nothing to promote the Gospel. To any woman who reads this blog post or the comments beneath it and is tempted to believe that the Bible is sexist or that Christian marriage lacks equality, please understand that this is not necessarily well supported by the Gospel. I apologize for this misrepresentation of Godly marriage.